playing with fire II
by tatty ted
Summary: AU. Cassandra returns to Holby after six months with new boyfriend Howard and children in tow but has anything changed? Will her nightmares about Billy finally stop or are they just the beginning? And most importantly, can Cassandra bring herself to trust those around her. - —OC, set during series ten. [two/two]
1. CHAPTER I

**notes** - apologises for the short ending of _playing with fire_, I really couldn't finish it. this is the sequel _playing with fire II._

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**PLAYING WITH FIRE II**  
_nobody, nobody to love_

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A black bmw pulled up outside city Hospital and turned off its engine. The two occupants stared up at the hospital and one reached over and touched the woman's hand; "Cassie, are you okay?"

Cassandra nodded and forced a smile. She was okay, she was just nervous about going back to work after six months. She'd taken time off to raise her children and to try and get over the trauma of Billy's death, the death she still felt she caused despite the evidence suggesting otherwise.

"I'm fine, I'm just nervous."

He squeezed her fingers reassuringly and she smiled. There was nothing exchanged until Cassandra spotted the time and exclaimed; "I'd better let you go, you'll be late for your meeting."

He sighed, nodded his head and pressed his lips to hers. As she got out of the car, she watched him as he drove away. Taking a deep breath she was about to turn round and go into the accident and emergency department when she felt Jude jump on her back.

"I thought it was you! Who's that?"

"A friend," she smiled and snaked her arm through Jude's; "and yes unfortunately I'm back so are my crazy antics."

"Great it's been boring without you," she smiled as she followed Jude into the department. Been around Jude made her anxiety disappear and she felt like she'd never been away. Nursing was her life and Holby was her family. Reaching the staff room, she approached her locker and took off her coat. At that moment Rachel and Kate came in and upon seeing Cassie, hugged her tightly.

"Welcome back!"

"Thank you," during the past six months she'd realised who exactly mattered and who didn't. They all mattered here at the hospital, each one of them supporting Cassandra with her childcare issues and abuse and getting over the arrest. She couldn't thank them enough for the support, nothing she did would ever explain to them how much they helped her when she thought of giving up.

"How was your break?"

Cassandra laughed, "where do I begin? It was lovely. I moved into a new flat, its only two bedrooms but it works out well at the moment. Everything's good, how are things here?"

"Oh you know same old." Kate smiled, found herself noticing that Cassandra looked healthier than she'd ever looked. She was about to say something else when Jude said,

"Cassie has a friend."

"A friend?" Rachel raised her eyebrows and Cassandra couldn't help blushing red, "will you shut your mouth Jude!"

"A friend she _kisses_ goodbye," Cassandra shook her head. She'd met forty year old Howard six months earlier in a coffee shop near her new house and they'd gotten on well since. It was still early days but Cassandra was happy and that's the way she wanted it to stay, she didn't want her friends at Holby scaring him off.

"This friend of yours, is he anyone special?" Kate teased and Cassandra was grateful when Charlie walked in, silence falling on the room. Trailing behind Charlie was a young lad, slightly nervous looking and Cassandra knew instantly he was the new SHO.

Charlie confirmed it, "this is Daniel Perryman, new SHO." As he introduced the nurses' to Daniel, Cassandra stood waiting and when Charlie had finished speaking, she said to Daniel with the biggest smile, "we don't bite as hard as the SHO's say we do."

Daniel laughed nervously and Rachel noticed he looked more nervous than before, "Cassie's the practical joker, or at least think she is, just ignore her."

"Very funny Rach," they left the staff room and gone on with their work. It surprised Cassandra how quickly she fitted into things, nothing too different from six months ago. Everything was pretty much the same, the department, the patients and the same old injuries she saw.

/

"I can't believe that arsehole's back," she'd heard about the news of Mike Barratt's return as she ate her lunch in the canteen. Although Mike had been good to her, she didn't appreciate the way he'd hurt Rachel, leaving her for a recollection for his wife.

"Cassie!" She rolled her eyes as she heard Kate warn her that she shouldn't speak of people like that, "he's a moron Kate, he hurt Rachel and now he's swanning back because his wife realised what a complete utter nob head he is."

"Cassie," she looked at Kate and took a sip of water realising that she was perhaps ranting a little bit. She smiled gently and answered; "Am I ranting?"

"Yes you are," she laughed but didn't say anything. The rest of the lunch was silent between the two. Cassandra knew she was probably over-reacting slightly but it wasn't them who had to pick up the pieces when Mike broke Rachel's heart, it was Cassandra and everybody else. She knew it was going to happen again, love was a dangerous thing that always made you get hurt.

"I honestly don't know what you ever saw in him Rach, he's a twat with an over inflated ego."

Rachel shot a look at Cassandra. It really wasn't helping. Not only did she have to deal with the fact he was back, she realised that she was still in love with him. She knew Cassandra meant well, she just sometimes opened her mouth without thinking of the consequences.

"Cassie you're not helping."

"Sorry I just—I think he's a moron but that's not something you want to hear about the man you love, do you?"

"Who said anything about love?"

Cassandra smirked but didn't say anything for a few minutes. She knew Rachel was still in love with Mike, that's why it hurt when she saw him back. It brought it all flooding back, "give over Rachel you know you love him. I know the puppy dog eye look when I see it."

"Be quiet," there was a pause, "I don't do that do I?"

"No but it got you thinking didn't it?" Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of the phone ringing, an accident at the Holby Athletic Club. Cassandra got to it clearing the cubicles before helping in one of the cubicles, a young runner with a dislocated knee. She remembered when she was at school and been part of the athletic club, doing the 100m sprint. It was great, the only thing she was really good at alongside science. It was handy when she was running from the police too leaving them trailing behind her as she shot off (of course that was when she was young and naïve)

"How long have you been running for?"

"A couple of years," she smiled as she looked at his knee. The new SHO Daniel turned up and asked him a series of questions and told him they were going to give him an x-ray, "how bad is it?"

"You won't be running any races for a while." He left and Cassandra knew inside the young lad was distraught. He'd still play but not for six weeks or so whilst his knee recovered, then he'd have to get his fitness level back up to scratch.

"I used to run when I was at school, 100m sprint. Absolutely loved it, you're in a different world when you run. I couldn't do it these days, my children keep me fit as a fiddle," she saw the tear that rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away quickly hoping she didn't notice.

Cassandra smiled softly, "I'll leave you to it."

/

The shift came to a finish and Cassandra sighed even though her day wasn't over. At home it would be tea, bath, help with homework and put the children to bed. She enjoyed it, been a mother was the best thing she'd ever done in life (nursing was the second best thing)

Cassandra buttoned up her coat and closed her locker before Rachel asked, "you coming to Matt's birthday party?"

"I want too but the children," she smiled softly and answered, "plus Howard wants to talk to me about his children Katherine and Samuel."

"Ooh so we have a name then." Rachel smiled, "come on, spill."

"No," she laughed as she hitched her back onto her shoulder, "he's forty, sadly a widower with two children. Works at St James' as a Consultant Vascular Surgeon, drives a BMW. And that's the end of that discussion. Are you going to Matt's party?"

"No, I'm going to have an early night."

"You, an early night? Don't make me laugh," Cassandra laughed as she opened the staff room door and stepped into the corridor, "night Rachel."

"Night Cassie."

Stepping into the dark she wrapped the coat around her tighter and began to walk home, tonight was when they talked about Cassandra and her children moving into his house with his children. Although it was still early on in their relationship, they were made about each other and couldn't wait to move in together.

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	2. CHAPTER II

ϟ

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**CHAPTER TWO  
**_you're bringing me closer_

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Getting home for just after seven, Cassandra pushed open the door and shouted; "Howard I'm home!"

"In the kitchen," she heard him shout back and she took off her coat. Hanging it on the bannister with her handbag, she took off her shoes and left them by the door. Walking into the kitchen, she saw Howard stewing over the stove, cooking. His children Katherine eleven and Samuel nine were sat at the kitchen table doing their homework.

"Hello Katherine, Samuel." Both children said hello and then went back to doing their homework. She sat down on the chair beside them and asked Howard, "you been home long?"

"An hour or so," he smiled and walked up to Cassandra. Snaking his hands around her, he kissed her neck only for the children to exclaim that it was gross! She couldn't help but laugh.

"Zachary is in the living room, Alexis and Courtney are upstairs."

She nodded and stood up from the table. Walking into the living room she sat down beside Zachary, hugged him tightly and kissed the top of his head.

"How was school?"

"It was good thanks mummy; I played with Matthew and Scott."

"You did?"

"Yes and then Howard came to pick us up in his car," she smiled softly. Howard was a natural with her children though it could've been for the fact he had two of his own from his previous marriage. Still Cassandra knew how difficult it was to take on somebody else's children, though she enjoyed been with Katherine and Samuel, they were lovely children trying to adapt to losing their mother to cancer only a year ago, six months before Cassandra left her husband.

"Bedtime soon," she kissed the top of his head and left him to watch his program alone, the only bit of quiet he ever really got without his two younger sister's mithering him to play with their latest game. She left the living room and went up the stairs to the bedroom where Alexis and Courtney were playing quietly. They hadn't spotted their mother by the door and for a couple of minutes she watched them as they played. The difference in her children in six months were amazing, each child had completely come out of their shell, restricted from the abuse that they'd all received at home.

"Mummy?" The question came from Alexis the moment she saw her mother and she laughed, running into her mother's arms. Courtney soon did the same and she kissed both of their heads and asked them how school and nursery was.

"Good, I painted a picture, look." Alexis pointed to the picture that was proudly stuck to the wall. It was a load of colour blobs and Cassandra smiled at the artwork of her middle child. Courtney pointed to the small graze on her finger and said, "I fell over."

"Oh dear, that was silly." She kissed her finger and kissed them both again before telling them they had a few more minutes before bedtime. She left both girls to play and went back to the kitchen. The children had finished their homework and had no disappeared into the living room leaving Howard and Cassandra alone. There was a silence between the two before he asked, "have you thought about what I said?"

"Yes."

"And?"

She was silent. When Howard had proposed that Cassandra and her children were to move in, she wasn't too sure what to think. This was somebody else's home and it had their mark on it already. The children's bedrooms were their own, how would they think if Cassandra moved her children in and ruined everything?

"This is your home with your children, if I move my children in; we're going to have a problem. If we're serious about living together then I think we should look for our own place."

"Do you mean that?" He brought over two glasses of wine and placed one in front of Cassandra. She nodded her head before taking a sip of the wine and answering back, "Look moving in with you is a massive step for me after everything with Billy but my heart's telling me it's the right thing to do. I have to move on at some point and that's with you but you've got to do the same too. I know this is the house you brought with your wife, the wife you lost but for this relationship to work between you and I we need to leave everything behind, especially the things that are holding us back."

He listened, took a drink of his wine and smiled. Leaning over to kiss Cassandra he said gently, "you know what darling, I think you're right." Leaving the tea to cook, he took her hand and said, "Come on, lets go and put the rascals to bed."

Sliding her fingers through his, Cassandra nodded her head and they disappeared out of the kitchen.

/

In just under half an hour they'd put the younger three in bed, letting Katherine and Samuel stay up a little later to watch television as their bedtime wasn't until eight-thirty (Katherine never slept then, only spent some time in her bedroom watching television)

Courtney was put in bed first. Howard read her a bedtime story, blowing raspberries on her stomach and she giggled loudly. Cassandra had to pinch herself that this was really happening, had she found a man to love her and her children unconditionally? He kissed Courtney's cheek as he put her down to sleep and Cassandra tucked her in bed, kissed her four times on the lips and said,

"Night night darling,"

"Night mama, night dada." Cassandra's heart skipped a beat at Courtney calling Howard daddy but he didn't say anything. She noticed a smile that appeared on his face and she found her heart skipping a beat excitedly, her children especially her youngster was beginning to accept Howard as a father figure in their lives. The second child to put to bed was Alexis, the child in the bed next to Courtney.

Again there was a story read, four kisses and her been tucked under the covers. She didn't say the word daddy to Howard and he didn't mind, he knew the youngster had said it because she was confused. He didn't want the children to think he was going to replace their father because despite all the bad, Billy was always going to be their father. Just like Cassandra was never going to be Katherine and Samuel's mother, she would never try to be either.

Last but not least was Zachary. Zachary seemed to adore Howard and it was noticeable in the way he spoke to him. In his eyes Howard was a hero, somebody who saved his mother from a path of self-destruction (he was too young to understand that but he knew she was hurting, he'd heard her cry at night) Cassandra said night to Zachary and tucked him into bed before leaving the boys to do whatever they were doing.

Howard found Cassandra in the kitchen five minutes later, drinking from the glass of wine he'd poured earlier and stirring the pan of pasta that was on the cooker.

"I thought I was meant to be cooking tea," he laughed and snaked his arms around her waist, kissing her collarbone.

"You were until you neglected the pasta," she laughed and turned around, putting her own arms around his neck. Looking into his eyes, she kissed him once on the lips; "you know I'm lucky to have you."

"No I'm lucky to have you; you pulled me out of that dark path I was heading after Claire died. I didn't think I'd ever see the light again."

"I could say the same thing too," he saw the tears begin to pool in her eyes and as one slowly slid down her cheek he wiped it away with this thumb, "hey, don't cry."

"I'm sorry I can't help it." She sniffed, a sad smile appearing on her lips. He picked her up and she squealed, not liking been up in the eye. As she pushed him gently, she shouted, "put me down, now!"

"Not until you stop crying," she squealed again but this time the tears were gone and in their place were happy tears. Satisfied he put her down on the floor and kissed her three times, "have I told you how beautiful you are?"

"Yes, all the time."

"Oh, well that's because you are, beautiful, you know that don't you?" She laughed as he planted another kiss on her lips. At that very moment there was nothing between them, just silence and Cassandra wouldn't have it any other way. She was seriously in heaven with Howard right now.

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	3. CHAPTER III

ϟ

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**CHAPTER THREE**  
_i'm in the fast lane from LA_

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When she came down for breakfast the next morning, she wasn't at all surprised by the noise that came from the kitchen. Having five children between the two of them ranging between two and eleven, it wasn't a surprise breakfast wasn't simple and more like a military operation.

Sitting down beside Katherine and Samuel, she picked up a slice of toast and bit into it. Since staying over at Howard's in the week, she'd had to get used to eating at breakfast, before she never had anything just a cup of coffee until her break at the hospital.

Howard joined them at the table and for a moment, all seven of them ate in peaceful silence, Cassandra and Howard looking at each other from across the table, "children, we've got something to tell you."

"Are you getting married dad?" Samuel asks with a mouthful of cheerio's. Howard shakes his head and explains, "Cassandra and I have decided that we'd like to live together."

"Oh right," Katherine shrugged her shoulders, "I always thought you did live together."

"Not quite," Cassandra blushed a deep shade of red. She hadn't realised what it must've felt like for the children, to have some stranger constantly in their house. If she was entirely truthful she hadn't thought about how it would affect Katherine or Samuel.

"We're going to have to move house," Howard braced himself for his children's reaction but they surprised him. Katherine asked if they'd have to move school and was relieved when he said they didn't, they could stay in their school because they weren't moving far. Samuel wanted to know if he'd get to share a bedroom with Zachary because in Samuel's words he was awesome.

After breakfast Cassandra went upstairs to get ready for work. As she was putting bobby pins into her hair, she saw Alexis stood by the door peering around it. Inviting her in, Alexis dived on the bed and sat on the edge swinging her legs backwards and forwards.

"Is Howard my new daddy?"

She stopped putting a bobby pin into her hair and looked at Alexis through the mirror. Cassandra knew this was a confusing time for her children, they had lost their father, he was dead and now there was this man doing everything a father should. Turning around she walked towards the bed and knelt down in front of Alexis,

"Howard can be whatever you want him to be. He can be your daddy or your friend or even your best friend. Why do you ask sweetie?"

"Courtney calls him daddy; do I have to call him daddy?"

She stroked her daughter's cheek, "no sweetheart you don't have to call him daddy if you don't want too."

"Oh goodie," she jumped off the bed and happily went back to her own room, getting herself ready for school. She smiled softly as her daughter bounced out of the bedroom. She continued to put the bobby pins in her hair until she was satisfied that she was finished. Smoothing down her uniform, she took her bag and her coat from the bed and pulled the bedroom door closed. She passed Howard on the stairs, who asked where she was going,

"Where does it look silly? I've got to work," she planted a kiss on his lips but he wouldn't let her wrist go. He wasn't hurting her but Cassandra found her stomach flipping with nerves, she'd been here once before with Billy. With a hint of fear in her voice she said gently, "Howard, please let go off my wrist."

Howard looked down and then looked back at Cassandra. Realising the situation he'd put her in, he began to apologise knowing that she thought she was back with her abusive husband. She swallowed hard as he asked, "can I take you to work?"

"The children need you Howard; they need you to take them to school." She laughed and planted a kiss on Howard's lips. Walking downstairs, she put on her shoes and stood at the bottom of the stairs. Her children came bowling down the stairs towards her, hugging her tightly around the waist.

"Bye bye sweethearts," she kissed the top of their heads, "have a nice day at school."

"Nursery," she smiled at her youngster and nodded, "Silly mummy forgetting about nursery."

The children rushed back upstairs, Courtney trailing behind them and she unlocked the front door and walked outside. Wrapping her coat further around her, she began the short journey to work. She often found on her way to work she would think deeply about things but the exercise cleared her mind, it made it easier to put things into perspective.

Reaching work, she almost collided with Baz who was coming into the department, "oh my god sorry Baz I was in a world of my own."

"It's okay," she smiled and the two ladies parted and made their way into the department. Getting to the staff room, Cassandra leant against the locker and sighed, judging by the queue outside, it was going to be a busy day.

/

"Are you okay?" She's asked all morning from Jude and Rachel to Kate and Charlie, all of them noticing that Cassandra was particular quiet this morning. She often had periods of quietness, more so since Billy had passed and now she was quiet because of this morning's incident with Howard and Alexis' questioning.

It was Kate who she confided in looking to her as the mother figure that she'd never had growing up, "me and my boyfriend had an incident this morning."

"I didn't know you had a boyfriend."

"The friend I was kissing last week, we've been together six months. He held me by the wrist, just to talk and for some reason —"

"You thought you were back with Billy?" She nodded her head. In six months she'd been in various situations with Howard that reminded her of Billy and the abuse she endured at his hands. She just told herself Howard wasn't going to hurt her, he was completely different. It was only this morning that she experienced fear as he held her wrist on the stairs, "I was scared for a minute, I really thought he'd hurt me."

"You know just because Billy's dead, doesn't mean it's finished."

"I know," she paused for a second,

"Are you talking to anyone about all of this?" Kate noticed the look Cassandra gave her and shook her head, "I mean someone professional, someone who deals with these sort of situations."

There was silence as Cassandra listened to what Kate was saying. Perhaps Kate had a point, perhaps talking to a professional was going to help her move on, "you know something Kate, you might be onto something." Hugging her tightly, she kissed her cheek and said thank you.

/

She became her usual self again after speaking to Kate. Bubbly, a little hyperactive and chatty (though that could be because she was running on too much sugar) Liz and Josh brought in a few children from the local primary school, all present with the same symptoms, stomach cramps and sickness. Luckily there were only a small number of them affected and Cassandra was slightly relieved, an emergency department full of children wasn't something she was going to look forward too. She had enough of her own at home after her shift.

She heard a comment that Daniel made to Liz, something to do with female intuition and she found herself wanting to answer back a sarcastic remark. She was grateful that she didn't, arguing with an immature pilchard wasn't going to look too professional on Cassandra's part. Not to forget there were children around who were already scared of their environment.

"What an earth is going on with those two?" Cassandra heard Rachel's comment and looked up to find Matt and Daniel smiling at each other. She could guess what it was about, she'd found both males dribbling over the new radiographer when she walked in this morning.

"Oh those two," she leant against the wall, arms folded across her chest; "I heard they've got a bet going on about that new radiographer Angie or whatever her name is. What the hell she'll see in those two muppets, I really haven't got a clue." Both Rachel and Cassandra began to laugh before Cassandra said that she'd better get on and that they'd catch up later. Charlie was in a sensitive mood this morning and Cassandra didn't want to annoy him. (he was having problems with Baz, anyone could see that)

/

Breathing out hard as she closed her eyes, Cassandra said to the team; "if it wasn't for the five children at home that need feeding, I'd go to the pub."

Jude began to laugh and she answered back, "I'm serious Jude! I'd go to the pub to see Matt and Daniel waiting for Angie, I reckon it'll be a laugh."

"You're cruel."

"Not as cruel as you," she stuck her tongue out and locked her locker. Putting her key in her handbag, she pushed her handbag onto her shoulder as Rachel asked; "What are you two discussing?"

Cassandra made eye contact with Jude before answering, "Angie's only agreed to meet both Matt and Daniel in the same bar at the same time. I was telling Jude that I only want to go to the pub to see their faces when the other turns up."

"I was telling her she was just being mean."

There was a pause, "Cassie does have a point," Cassandra made eye contact with Rachel; she knew she'd back her up! She started to laugh as Rachel continued; "it would be funny to see their faces right?"

"One drink at the pub, come on Jude, I know you want to see it too." There was a pause between all three of them before Jude closed her locker.

"Fine, but just the one." Laughing as all three of them left the staff room then the hospital; she told them they were definitely going to hell for laughing at other people's misfortune. Then again it wasn't just anyone, it was Matt and Daniel, the biggest muppets in the department.

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	4. CHAPTER IV

ϟ

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**CHAPTER FOUR**  
_my girl roll with a king_

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"Did you have a nice date last night?" Cassandra couldn't stop the smile that spread across her face as she asked the question to Matt. He rolled his eyes and shot back; "Very convenient that you, Jude and Rachel ended up in the same bar wasn't it?"

"Careful Matt you're beginning to sound paranoid," she turned around and called out her patient's name. Taking the patient to cubicles she looked at Matt and said, "better look next time yeah?"

Her patient Helen Matthews was twenty-three, brought in with abdominal pains. Luckily she hadn't been waiting too long, abdominal pains scored quite high on the system. Getting her to sit on the bed, she asked; "does your stomach still hurt?"

"Not as much as earlier, the painkillers worked a little." She smiled and took off her coat but still held it tightly to her chest. Cassandra wondered if there was something about her but didn't say anything, it could've been as simple as nerves. Not everybody enjoyed been in a hospital environment.

"I'll be back in a minute; I'm just going to find your notes," she left the cubicle and pulled the curtain around her. She found Jude looking rather annoyed near the nurses' desk and she wondered why her friend had a face on her. Jude was usually a happy-go-lucky sort of girl.

"What's up with your face?"

"Never guess who's going to be shadowing us?" Jude must've noticed the blank expression that remained on Cassandra's face and continued, "Laura the PR officer."

"And what's so bad about that?" Pulling out Helen's notes, she looked at Jude once again, "I hate PR just as much as you but give her a chance yeah? You never know you might begin to like her."

"You've all gone mad!" Cassandra left Jude on her own to rant about her feelings of PR and went back to her patient in cubicle seven. Opening the curtain, she stepped inside and smiled at the patient hoping to ease some of the anxiety she was experiencing.

"You came in yesterday with the same symptoms?" Helen nodded, "yes the doctor, he was only young told me there was nothing to be concerned about. He said it'd most likely be a stomach virus but I know my body nurse and it isn't right."

"That's okay, I'd probably do the same in your situation," she smiled, "is it alright if I ask you a couple of questions? Have you had any sickness or diarrhoea?"

Helen nodded her head so she continued, "have you experienced any bleeding?"

"None that I've noticed."

"Is there any chance you could be pregnant," there was a pause. Cassandra could see the young girl working it out on her fingers and then she shook her head, "not really."

"When was your last period?"

"It was about sixty-four, no sixty-five days ago. That's normal for me though, I have an irregular cycle due to Polycystic Ovary Syndrome which I've had since I was sixteen years old."

Cassandra had an inkling what the problem was but she couldn't do anything until she'd done a pregnancy test. Asking Helen if it was okay to carry out a pregnancy test, she was relieved when the youngster said yes. Before getting the test done, Cassandra carried out a check up on her patient. Her pulse was normal, her blood pressure was a little on the low side but Helen said that was normal so she wasn't too concerned at the present moment.

Informing Helen that she'd be back in a couple of minutes, she closed the curtain and asked Charlie had he seen Doctor Hayes. He said he hadn't and she went to Baz's office. Knocking on the door, she heard Baz say come in and she opened the door, "I need your advice on a patient Doctor Hayes."

"I'm listening."

"Twenty-three year old female came in yesterday presenting one-sided abdominal pain and sickness. Was diagnosed with gastroenteritis without a full history been taken only to return twelve hours later with the same pain. I think she may be suffering from an ectopic pregnancy, I was just wondering if you'd take a look for me, just in case I'm overlooking something else."

Baz nodded and walked towards the door. Before she left, Cassandra put a hand on her arm, "the doctor she saw yesterday was Daniel." Baz sighed, he was only a SHO, he was bound to get some things wrong but she hoped he hadn't. He was beginning to make too many mistakes for Baz's liking.

/

Cassandra was sat in the staff room on her break when the door flung open and slammed shut. Daniel stood by the sink, arms folded clearly looking less than impressed. Cassandra chewed her lower lip knowing why Daniel was so angry, "you okay?"

He moved his eyes away from the wall to Cassandra and nodded; "nothing I can't handle."

"You sure?"

He nodded. Cassandra realised the more he pretended he was okay, the worse it got. Perhaps he wasn't cut out for medicine, maybe? She knew deep down Daniel was a good person too eagar to please at times but a great person.

"Fancy a drink tonight?"

Cassandra listened but didn't say anything for a moment, she was thinking. She'd love to go to the pub tonight but she had Howard and the children at home and she shook her head, "I can't, I haven't a babysitter. Howard's on late's. Another time yeah?"

He nodded and left the staff room with a slam of the door. Cassandra sighed wondering why things had to be complicated. Why couldn't she just be a friend and go out tonight with Daniel and get completely rat-arsed and worry about the consequences in the morning?

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3  
the questioning in the first half probably isn't right, especially for a nurse but Cassandra's nosey so it's kind of in character!


	5. CHAPTER V

ϟ

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**CHAPTER FIVE**  
_i've been thinking about you_

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As she walked through the crowds of Holby, she couldn't help but hear the roar of a motorbike as it came riding past her. Cassandra caught sight of the rider and realised it was Matt. She couldn't help but be slightly jealous of the bike he had, a KR650. A real beauty.

Walking into the department, her eyes fell upon Daniel by the front desk drinking a can of lucozade, looking a little worse for wear. She walked up behind him and placed her hands over his eyes, "guess who?"

"Cassie?"

"Got it," she laughed and removed her hands from his eyes, "good night was it?"

"Would've been better if you'd been there." He smiled and she found herself smiling back but not before the heat rose to her cheeks making her blush slightly. Was Daniel flirting with her? Surely not, not someone like her anyway.

"So, did you pull?"

Daniel laughed and took a swig of his drink, "wouldn't you like to know?"

"Of course! Come on spill the gossip," she was about to turn around when she saw a flash of red hair and somebody punch her in the mouth. Bringing her hand to her mouth Cassandra noticed security hold back a girl not much younger than her, a girl she recognised.

With a gentle smile Cassandra walked up to her and punched her in the mouth, "knew it wouldn't be long before you scumbags were here!"

Josie grabbed a fistful of Cassandra's hair, "you killed my brother you murdering bitch! You should be rotting in a prison cell not flirting like the fucking slag you are!" Cassandra felt Daniel's arms around her waist, attempting to pull her away and she let go of Josie's hair.

That's when Josie punched her again, catching her in the same spot as earlier. Cassandra with a smirk thumped Josie back with such force that the girl stumbled backwards and fell on her arse. Shaking her hand, her knuckles sore she yelled; "now fuck off back to the rock you crawled under."

Daniel looked at Cassandra and gently touched her chin, a trial of blood dribbling down her chin; "that looks nasty,"

Cassandra made eye contact with Daniel and nodded, "I know right, stupid cow," their eyes continued to meet before Cassandra broke the eye contact and began to make her way to the bathroom. She didn't need someone to clean her up, she could do that herself.

"Where are you going?"

"To clean myself up," she smiled softly and disappeared into the toilets. Daniel looked at Matt who had now started work and asked,

"what was that all about?" Matt sighed and shrugged. He wasn't going to tell Daniel, he wasn't one to gossip about his friends that Cassandra had stabbed her husband because of the abuse she suffered at his hands for six and a half years.

"Ask her yourself."

/

Disappearing into the toilets, Cassandra pressed a handful of tissue paper to her lip hoping to stop the bleed. She wished this didn't have to happen, that Josie and her family really weren't here and about to cause trouble for her, all that was six months ago.

Eventually her lip stopped bleeding and when she examined it, Cassandra was relieved to find that it didn't need stitches. She knew she'd have a bruise there in the morning and she'd have to explain to Howard what had happened. He knew most of it though the abuse, the violence, the assualt the night Billy died.

Returning back to work, she was looking at the board (well more like staring) when Baz touched her arm and broke her out of her trance, "Daniel told me what happened, are you okay?"

Cassandra nodded, it was a pretty fight and she could handle herself well, "I'm fine, it's nothing I can't handle. Josie's Billy's sister, was a bitch back then and still is. I can deal with her, I just didn't expect it to be now you know, when everything's going so well."

"Are you sure?" She nodded her head and Baz left her alone. She looked down at her knuckles and knew it wouldn't be long before Josie struck again. She was like Billy enjoyed the violence and the thrill it gave her. She wasn't going to be a victim anymore, she was strong enough to look after herself.

As she moved away from where she was standing she overheard Mike and Rachel arguing and frowned. She hated Mike at the best of times, more so know he'd broken Rachel's heart and had come back like nothing had happened, arsehole.

"Is this how it's going to be?"

"Well I've got a job and work to do, I don't know about you."

"Come on!" Cassandra sighs and interrupts their little argument. Giving Mike the death glare, she folded her arms across her chest and asked, "are you okay Rachel?"

Rachel nodded, "This has nothing to do with you," Mike began but Cassandra cut him off, "I think you find it does. You're a first class prick and she doesn't want to know. Now either leave her alone or do I have to punch you to get my message across?"

"Who do you think you are?"

"Who the _fuck_ do you think you are? If it were up to me you'd have no balls left but it isn't so I suggest you either move or get a black eye and a busted lip. It's entirely up to you," Cassandra felt Rachel rub her hand up and down her arm and she whispered in her ear that she was okay, she didn't need protecting.

Cassandra couldn't help having the protective side show, Rachel was her bestest ever friend who'd always been there for her and the children. Her heart was been played by a moron and there was nothing Cassandra could do apart from pick up the pieces (and perhaps give him a black eye or two)

"I'll be okay Cassie," Rachel said and reluctantly she left Rachel alone with Mike.

/

After shift Cassandra invited Matt, Daniel, Rachel and Jude to the pub for a couple of drinks. After the days events with Josie then followed by Mike, she needed an alcoholic drink or two to forget about it.

They went to their usual, just across the way and they realised how handy it was to have. Near home and near work, just in case someone ever got too drunk that they couldn't stumble their way home.

Cassandra and Rachel shared a bottle of wine whereas the guys plus Jude had a pint. It was nice to relax in each others company after the days events, friends having a few alcoholic drinks together wanting to forget the events of that day.

"You never guess who I've noticed getting a little _too_ close for comfort recently." Cassandra spoke and took a sip of her wine. Everyone's faces were a blank wondering what Cassandra was thinking and she answered; "You never heard them from me okay?"

"Okay," they answered and Cassandra finished the liquid in the glass, "Ash and Laura and wait for it — Baz and Charlie."

"Isn't Baz married?"

"What's marriage got to do with anything? A lot of people have a bit on the side, right Rach?" Rachel didn't answer and just sipped her wine in silence, she knew what Cassandra was getting at and she wasn't going to raise to it.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	6. CHAPTER VI

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER SIX**  
_as long as we're together_

* * *

Cassandra lay beside Howard, her head on his chest and he ran his fingers through her hair. Kissing her collarbone, he asked; "have you ever thought about adding to the family?"

Cassandra immediately tensed up and moved away from Howard. Her heart began to beat faster and she swallowed. Children, he was talking about having more children and expanding the family. She knew this was going to happen, he was going to ask her.

"No, not really."

She sat on the edge of the bed and he kissed her shoulder, "would you have another baby?"

"No," when they first got together seven months ago Cassandra told Howard where she stood on having children. She had three with Billy and that was enough, she hadn't been a proper mother to them and she had to change that before she brought another one into the world.

"Why?"

She sighed deeply, "you know why Howard."

"So you'd rather have children with your abusive husband then you would me."

"You know that's not true!" Cassandra snapped, "you know full well that was different so don't go throwing that shit at me when you know full well what the hell happened. It's not a matter of wanting children Howard, I don't think I could love another."

"You're brilliant with Katherine and Samuel," he began to protest but she cut him off. Fair enough she was a good mother to her own children and a good substitute but she couldn't bare to have another child, there were too many fears surrounding it. Fears she didn't feel ready to share with Howard yet.

"I'm getting ready for work," she stood up but Howard said gently, "we haven't finished talking."

"I have," with a forced smile she told him they'd talk when she got home this evening. He rolled over and told her not to bother, she'd made the message pretty clear, she didn't even want to consider another baby.

They spent the entire morning in silence, only communicating if they had too (which wasn't very often!) The children seemed to sense something was wrong but the youngster three didn't mention it, they knew silence and what it meant. It meant Howard and their mother had had an argument, they knew the silence from when their father was alive.

"I'm going to work, see you all later, love you."

The door closed and Howard sighed, the five set of eyes staring back at him wondering why today was different than yesterday.

/

Everyone who knew Cassandra knew when she was upset by something because of how quiet she became. Usually Cassandra was heard before she was seen whether that was coming into work or in one of the cubicles attending to a patient. Today was different, she was quiet, a little too quiet for their liking.

Everyone asked if she was okay but she shrugged off their concerns, she was perfectly fine just tierd.

Nobody believed her least of all Kate and Rachel but until she came to them, there wasn't anything they could do. Not that they could solve the situation of Howard wanting a baby and Cassandra not been one hundred percent certain.

What if it went wrong? What if her and Howard split up and she'd have to raise four children alone?

"Are you okay?" Kate eventually asked but Cassandra remained silent, "Cassie?"

"Hmm?" She turned to Kate and smile, broken out of her own little world.

"I said are you okay?"

Cassandra allowed a sigh escape her lips before she answered back, "yeah just Howard and I had a disagreement this morning. He wants a baby and as much as I do, I'm scared Kate. I'm scared of it all going wrong and being left on my own."

"Have you told him that?"

She laughed, "Kate this is me we're talking about. Of course I haven't told him!"

"Don't you think you should?"

"Possibly," she smiled softly. She knew it wasn't her fault she was so afraid, after everything that had happened with Billy, the thought of starting a family with somebody else scared her deeply. A fear that she wasn't too sure she wanted to admit too, it would make her weak right?

"Anyway enough from me, isn't it your wedding aniversary today?"

/

"Howard, can we talk?"

Cassandra sat at the kitchen table, a bottle of red wine in front of her. She wasn't a big drinker, not in the evenings but needed a glass or two to relax from work. The children, all five of them were either in the living room or upstairs and Cassandra knew they could speak without been interrupted.

"Sure," he sat down opposite and poured himself a glass of wine. He didn't hold grudges, what happened this morning, happened. Taking a sip he wondered why Cassandra needed to speak to him, had she changed her mind about wanting a baby?

"I owe you an explanation," she sighed but still continued to speak, "I'd love to have children with you but I'm scared Howard, I'm scared that if it doesn't work out between us I'll be left alone to raise four children and it would kill me this time."

"Oh Cassie," he touched her hand, "is that how you feel?"

"Yes," she smiled slightly, "I know you want children, I do too but I don't want to be this single mum who struggles to juggle motherhood and her career. It happened before, I almost lost the children because I was overwhelmed. I'm scared that it'll happen again."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Yeah at the minute you're not. Who knows what the future will bring, you may find someone your own age. You might leave me for someone who's older and more successful, more beautiful."

Howard planted a kiss on her forehead, "you could leave me for a younger man, don't forget when I'm fifty you're only in your thirties. You might be bored of me by then," he laughed but she shook her head and insisted that she'd never get bored of Howard, she really did love him.

"And that's what it's all been about? You're worried?"

Cassandra nodded feeling the heat raise to her cheeks, "yes, pathetic isn't it?"

"No just cute," he planted another kiss on her forehead, "I love you."

"I love you too!"

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	7. CHAPTER VII

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER SEVEN**  
_true love never dies, never dies._

* * *

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Katherine, happy birthday to you!"

Katherine, Howard's only daughter smiled as her father and his girlfriend handed her her presents. Today she was twelve, one year away from being a teenager, a stubborn one at that. She was sat on the settee, too old to sit on the floor, Courtney, Alexis and Zachary sat on the floor staring up at her, her brother Samuel beside her watching as she opened the presents.

Cassandra had never had to buy for a twelve year old before and she'd found herself browsing the shops hoping to find that one present that wasn't babyish or too old for Katherine now twelve. She'd found the perfect gift after three months of searching around, a white gold bracelet with a couple of charms.

Cassandra tried thinking back to when she was a youngster herself and what she liked but she couldn't remember. In the end both her and Howard decided to buy makeup, new clothes, jewellary to make her feel that little bit more grown up.

Handing Katherine her present from herself and the rugrats, Cassandra said; "happy birthday, I hope you like it!"

/

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Matt, happy birthday to you!" The staff room cheered and Matt laughed. Today was Matt's birthday as well as Katherine and Cassandra exclaimed that had been the second time today she had to sing that song.

She'd brought Matt a card, placed ten pounds inside and gave him a cake with one candle in. He laughed, "thanks Cassie."

"You're welcome, didn't really know what to get you seeing as you've got your bike and that."

"Nice cake," she laughed. It wasn't really a cake cake, just a fairycake with a candle through the middle. That was as creative as Cassandra got, Daisy was the creative one in the Adam's family not Cassandra, she was more hands on and "intelligent".

"Don't eat it all at once," she joked before disappearing off back to work, a road traffic accident had happened and Holby was the nearest to the scene (as usual) Cassandra wondered what it was like to work at St James', she wondered if they ever got any interesting cases.

The accident involving a little boy and a car was brought in about ten minutes later. Almost immediately Cassandra found the lump in the back of her throat as she began to treat him, he was only about five and she couldn't help but think of Zachary, her oldest child.

/

"Jude!" Daniel shouted in the cubicle area, Jude came out of one of the cubicles, "yes Daniel?"

"The old biddy in three, I thought I told you to get rid of her?"

"Yeah she hasn't finished her tea yet," Jude answered but Daniel cut her off, "I don't care get her out of here!"

Cassandra was earsdropping from nearby and she found Daniel's manner rude. As much as he was a nice lad, he had zero people skills and always seemed to get rude and arsey with other people. After hearing more of the argument, Cassandra approached Jude, Daniel and Rachel who'd got involved too.

"Daniel," Cassandra began, "I think you should apologise to Jude, you're well out of order."

"Whatever it's got nothing to do with you," Cassandra sighed, her fists clenched. He was going to get a punch in the minute, "all you nurses stick together and it does my head in."

_thump! _Cassandra's fist caught Daniel in the side of his mouth and she immediately shouted fuck my knuckles! Jude and Rachel gasped and Cassandra walk away, shaking her hand wondering if her knuckles were okay after the beating.

Running her hand underneath the cold tap, Daniel approached her, the corner of his mouth slightly bloodied.

She braced herself, she wasn't too sure if she wanted another argument not to mention her knuckles were killing her, "You don't have to look so fearful, I won't smack you again if you keep that gob of yours shut."

"You've got a mean punch," he said and she shrugged, "took self-defence lessons when I was fifteen."

There was an awkward pause between the two before Daniel said, "I've apologised to Jude."

Once again she shrugged, "and? It shouldn't have taken me to punch you in the mouth to make you apologise."

This time he shrugged and then there was another silence between the two. Eventually upon seeing that Daniel truly meant he was sorry for talking to Jude like that, Cassandra decided to apologise for hitting him, "I'm sorry about your lip, is it okay?"

"I think so," he smiled and she smiled back glad that he didn't hold a grudge against her. She really did need to learn to keep her anger under control, it wasn't acceptable to keep punching people in the mouth whenever they pissed her off.

/

"Is Cassandra around, Cassandra Adams?"

A young girl about nineteen with red hair approached the desk, Matt noticed she looked familar but wasn't too sure where from. Hearing her ask for Cassandra, he nodded his head then asked, "who should I say is asking for her?"

"Josie, she'll know who I am."

Matt nodded and disappeared to find Cassandra. Finding her in cubicles, he told her that Josie was outside waiting for her and she sighed. Would Josie ever give up and leave her alone? "Tell her to piss off," Matt raised his eyebrows but none the less shrugged.

"Look," Cassandra began and smiled softly, "Josie's Billy's sister. She's been after me for weeks, she wants revenge okay for Billy's death. If I come face to face with her, I'll be up in the courts in the morning on a murder charge alright? Tell her from me, if she doesn't piss off and leave me alone, I'll get the police involved."

When he disappeared Cassandra sighed. All she wanted was a bit of peace and quiet to live her life with Howard, was it really too much to ask for?

An hour later Cassandra finished her shift and she wrapped her coat around her and walked outside, the cold air hitting her instantly and making her shiver. Looking around she couldn't see anyone and began to walk away from the department.

Turning the corner, she was almost knocked off her feet when someone lay into her, "there you are bitch!"

Hearing Josie's voice Cassandra sighed. As much as she didn't mind punching people, Daniel was enough for one day, "Josie please can you leave me alone? I've moved on and you're just reminding me of all the reasons Billy and I never worked out."

"What?" she heard a slap and the side of her face began to sting, "you're not so hard now are you Cassie?"

She sighed deeply again. Josie was a bitch and she had always hated Billy's family, they were scrubbers from the estate, violence and emotional abuse were the only things they knew, "leave me alone!"

Josie went for her again and this time Cassandra let her, she couldn't be bothered fighting back. It wasn't going to do anything was it? Fighting back wasn't going to stop Josie from wanting to kill her because she believed Cassandra had killed Billy.

As Josie punched her twice, something snapped inside of her and she realised she couldn't stand for it, she'd spent six years taking it from her husband, she wasn't about to take it from his sister too. Smashing Josie's head against the wall, she spat at her and screamed; "please just leave me alone Josie, I don't want to hurt you! You're a nice girl."

Josie laughed, "was a nice girl until you killed my brother."

"I didn't kill him Josie, I tried too but I didn't," they made eye contact with one another for a minute, "believe me if I killed Billy, you'd all have known about it because it really wouldn't have been a pretty sight."

Josie swallowed, "what? You stabbed him, if you hadn't have beaten him up that night he'd still be alive."

"And you know who would be dead instead? Me Josie, he'd have killed me."

There was a pause, "he wasn't like that. You're lying!"

Cassandra found herself bursting into tears, "Billy was a bully, if he wasn't hitting me, he was trying to hit the children. You don't even know what it's like to live in fear, wondering if today is the day he's going to kill you and leave your children without a mother. I had to protect myself, I had no choice. He died that day and you know what, I'm not sorry because I'm free. I'm glad I killed him,"

The sound of slapped flesh filled the silence, "this isn't over." She spat and walked away, Cassandra slid down the wall and cried. It had been seven months since she'd been free from Billy's abuse but the nightmare wasn't over, Josie was after her and Josie would only be satisfied when Cassandra was dead.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	8. CHAPTER VIII

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER EIGHT**  
_listen to this jam, show 'em what you've got._

* * *

It had been a week since her altercation with Josie and the youngster hadn't come back. Cassandra hoped this was the end of it, she could finally leave it in the past where it belonged. (it didn't have any room in her future with Howard and their children)

Accident and Emergency was busy as usual and they had builders in, building the new cubicles which were better late than never. The builders were getting on everybody's nerves, they were a bunch of sexist bastards.

"I swear to God if I have to put up with one more sexist comment, I may just flip," Cassandra informed the others one early morning. She wasn't the only one feeling like that, Kate, Jude and Rachel were all beginning to feel the same way.

That afternoon she did flip. Cassandra was walking past when one of them said something derogatory to her and she felt the anger raise in her. Squaring up to the man in question she told him to repeat what he just said to her.

"Say it again, I dare you," Cassandra said staring at one of the builders in the eye, "go on."

The builder, young and cocky who thought he was everything made the mistake of repeating the comment he said when Cassandra was passing him. He didn't know what hit him when she hit him in the face and kicked him in the balls, "sexist pig," she muttered and walked away leaving the young man clutching his privates.

The assualt was seen by Baz and Mike who just happened to look at one another, "do you think she realises she has all this anger inside?"

Mike shrugged his shoulders, "maybe. Maybe it's her way of letting go from her husband, I don't know."

"Billy?" Mike nodded and Baz sighed, "yeah she told me about him, the things he did to her. Maybe you're right, maybe hitting those around her who happen to irrate her is her way of letting go and not been a victim anymore."

Hearing shouting coming from the cubicles, the pair of them turned around and went back to work. There was never a quiet moment in A&E.

Her knuckles were becoming grazed and scarred through the amount of fighting she'd been doing recently.

She stood in the staff room running her knuckles underneath the cold tap, the blood running down the drain and she sighed deeply. Even she didn't know where all this anger came from, maybe it was the fact she'd been a victim for so long she'd decided she wasn't going to be now.

The door slammed shut and Cassandra jumped, Jude apologised; "you okay?"

Cassandra smiled, "yeah." She was still running her knuckles under the cold tap then stopped, dabbing them dry with blue roll. Jude raised her eyebrows but didn't verbally speak and Cassandra filled the silence, "the builder, the young 'un. He got a punch in the face."

"Oh no," she began to laugh, "Cassie I can't believe you've done that!"

Cassandra shrugged her shoulders, "argh well, he shouldn't have been a knob head!"

/

"Has anyone seen Cassandra?" Charlie asked, he'd received a call from Josh informing him that Alexis, one of Cassandra's daughters had been involved in an accident. He wanted to find her before she found out from somebody else.

Jude answered that she'd last seen her in the staff room and that's where Charlie went next. He found her sat in the corner reading one of the magazines, biting the corner of her lower lip deep in thought.

He had to call her name twice to break her out of her thoughts, "yes Charlie?"

"I don't want you to worry but," he smiled softly, "Alexis has had an accident at school, she's fallen off the monkey bars."

"Is she okay?" She began to feel sick, her heart beating furiously and her palms becoming sticky. Charlie reasurred her Alexis was fine, it was nothing major as far as they could tell — a small bump on the back of her head where she hit the ground.

"Can," she paused and made eye contact with Charlie, "when Alexis arrives can I be with her? I know we're short but," Charlie nodded. He wasn't going to make Cassandra work when her daughter had an accident, they would cover it.

Cassandra wrapped her arms around Charlie and whispered thank you.

Josh and Liz brought in Alexis about five minutes after, the youngster chatting excitedly telling anyone within earshot she'd been in an ambulance. Seeing Cassandra, Alexis ran up to her and hugged her tightly, "mummy!"

Squeezing her she answered, "hello poppet, I believe you've bumped your head."

"Yes," Alexis frowned, "I fell off the monkey bars at school, I was been a bit silly."

Cassandra couldn't help but smile at her daughter's honesty, it reminded her off her own. She sat in the cubicle waiting for Baz to finish with another patient, running her hands through Alexis' hair wondering if she was going to be okay. She knew head injuries could turn quickly and she was keeping a close eye on her, a very close eye.

/

Alexis hadn't suffered any major damage, just a small graze at the back of her head where she fell. They were able to go home after an hour which for Accident and Emergency was quite quickly. Howard came to pick them up on his way home from a meeting at the hospital.

After a quick tea of beans on toast, neither of them having the energy to cook, it was soon bedtime for the children. Between Howard and Cassandra all five children were in bed by half-past eight which for them too was quite good.

Sitting down in the living room Howard asked; "how was your day?"

"It was okay, we're having some new cubicles fitted and they haven't half sent the most sexist pigs ever." Howard caught the fresh bruise on Cassandra's knuckles and ran his finger gently over them whilst asking what happened.

"I punched someone, again."

"Cassie," he sighed, "don't you think you need to sort out your anger issues? How many times has it been this week that you've smacked someone in the face for been a pain in the arse?"

She snuggled into Howard listening to what he was saying, she knew he was right. She did have a problem controlling her temper but that was only when others pissed her off, surely it wouldn't escalate into a problem; "I know Howard, I just — I know everyone still sees me as a victim, a victim of Billy's bullying."

He kissed the top of her head, "that isn't true."

"Isn't it?" He shook his head and kissed her. Nobody saw her as a victim, just Cassie, the girl with a mean punch who wasn't afraid to put someone in their place. They spent the rest of the evening in silence until they went upstairs to bed.

She hadn't been asleep for long when a figure shook her awake. Sitting up, she turned on the bedside lamp and her eyes fell upon Katherine, Howard's daughter. She looked pale, tears rolling down her cheeks, "Cassie?"

"What's wrong Kat?"

"I'm bleeding," it took a few seconds for Cassandra to register what Katherine was saying. Realising that Katherine had started her menstrual cycle, Cassandra got out of bed and hugged her stepdaughter tightly, "oh Katherine, it's nothing to be embarrassed about."

Explaining to Katherine she was becoming a woman, she sorted out her bedsheets and gave her some sanitary pads. After sorting her stepdaughter out and watching her sleep, Cassandra went back to bed herself and realised that Katherine was beginning to accept her. She fell asleep with a smile on her face knowing she was always going to have that bond with Katherine, it wasn't ever going to go away.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	9. CHAPTER IX

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER NINE**  
_hush little baby don't you cry_

* * *

"Mummy's poorly," Zachary said gently as he stroked Cassandra's cheek.

Today was Zachary's fifth birthday and Cassandra had spent the majority of the morning throwing up in the bathroom. It had been the same situation all week been sick one minute and fine the next. She was exhausted from it all to the point she couldn't get out of bed.

"Mummy's okay," with his help she got out of bed and took him downstairs. In the living room by the fireplace were a collection of presents from Cassandra, Howard and the rugrats. He excitedly ran to the presents and began to unwrap them.

All of them sat in the living room waiting patiently, especially the younger two. Katherine and Samuel smiled as their stepbrother opened his presents. He had been spoilt rotten with some new board games and a skateboard.

Rushing out of the living room to the bathroom, Cassandra was sick once more. Howard rubbed his hand up and down Cassandra's back, he wondered if she was pregnant, it wasn't normal for someone to throw up for a week (a sickness bug only lasted three days at least)

"Are you alright?"

"Yes," she flushed the chain and made eye contact with Howard, "honestly I'm fine. Now lets go and celebrate Zachary's birthday before I have to go to work." As she walked away he sighed. What if she was trying to deny the possibility she was pregnant? What if she didn't want to be pregnant?

/

"You look terrible," it was the first thing Daniel spoke to Cassandra when he saw her in the staff room for the staff meeting. She felt terrible and despite trying to cover up her appearance with makeup, it still didn't stop her from looking pale.

"Gee thanks Daniel," he sat beside her and the others began to fill into the staff room. Cassandra hated staff meetings, they were always a bore and it was always full of crap that management were deciding to try out this week.

Trevor began to explain that he'd put a new security system on the door, a code and that every week the code would change. This week the number was 9274. Jude commented on the numbers not been easy to remember but Trevor said that it would deter criminals.

Cassandra leant her head against Daniel's shoulder and closed her eyes. Trevor looked over at Cassandra and wondered if she was okay, she did look very pale this morning and she wasn't someone who'd fall asleep during staff meetings.

At the end of the meeting Daniel shook her awake, "Cassie wake up."

"Sorry," she smiled softly and came round from her sleep. She knew today was going to be a long day, she had no energy and everybody kept commenting on how pale she looked today. She wouldn't mind but she'd put some makeup on to distract their attention and it didn't seem to work.

Cubicles were busy so Cassandra didn't have much time to think about her stomach bug, she was rushing around from cubicle to cubicle trying to keep on top of things. She collided with Baz, knocking all her files over the floor and she apologised.

She bent down to help Baz pick them up, "you don't look too well, are you okay?"

"Fine," Cassandra answered and stood up. Suddenly everything began to move and she swallowed, the room spinning around her. Before Baz could catch her, Cassandra hit the floor into darkness.

/

Cassandra opened her eyes staring up at the ceiling. She was confused to how she got here and she blinked, slowly sitting up and resting on her elbows. The curtain opened and Baz stepped in, "back to the land of the living are we?"

She smiled softly, "sorry about that. Can I go back to work now?"

Baz stared at her wondering what she was hiding from, "Cassie is there something wrong?"

"No, I'm just—" she stood up but felt dizzy again and had no choice but to sit down, "I'm taking up a bed that you need. And Charlie needs me, I know why I'm dizzy, I know why I'm sick so I may as well accept it."

There was a pause, "I'd like to run some tests."

"No point," she sighed, "I'm pregnant Baz, I'm having a baby."

"Congratulations?" she said gently and Cassandra shrugged. As much as the baby was planned, it wasn't. Plus she never expected it to happen this soon either. It had only been a few weeks since her and Howard had the conversation, she knew it was typical though, it never went as you planned.

"Are you not ready?"

Cassandra smiled sadly at Baz, "it isn't a matter of been ready or not, if I'm truthful you're never ready for a baby. You just spend nine months preparing yourself and it's never as you've imagined."

She paused; "I guess, I don't know. It's just—" at that very second she found herself crying for the first time since that morning, when she thought she might be pregnant, emotionally exhausted from the last couple of days.

"Look, I know we're not exactly close but I'm always here if you want to talk," Baz found herself saying. She liked Cassandra, she was a lovely girl who was always there for other people even if she was sad herself.

"I'll be alright," Cassandra said and smiled gently, "but thank you."

As she stood up, she smiled at Baz and left. Getting outside she knew she had to force a smile, yes she was pregnant but she also had a job to do. This baby would have to wait until later, when she'd finished work and was able to talk to Howard about what they were going to do.

/

"Excuse me," Matt looked up his eyes falling upon a young woman about twenty, black hair with the ends dip-dyed pink, "yes?"

"I'm looking for Cassandra, Cassie Willis," she smiled softly, her heart racing and her palms sticky, "who should I say is asking?"

"Daisy, her sister." As Matt left to find Cassandra, Daisy breathed a sigh of relief. She'd dropped out of university last month and had spent the last month in Holby trying to pluck up the courage to meet her sister to explain why she was here.

When Matt found Cassandra and informed her that her sister was here, Cassandra was unimpressed. She'd guessed that it had something to do with this new boyfriend of Daisy's, a guy called Max she'd met a few weeks ago. She wasn't sure if she could handle her unruley sister as well as her pregnancy in one day.

"Daisy?"

Turning around Daisy smiled softly at her sister, "does mum know your here?"

"Sort off," Cassandra sighed but told her she had a break in ten minutes and to go to the canteen. Ten minutes later they were sat in the canteen, both of them sipping on a hot chocolate, "where does mum think you are?"

"She thinks I've been with you for a month."

"So she doesn't know about this boyfriend of yours?" Daisy shook her head and Cassandra was silent. There wasn't anything she could say. She did worse at nineteen, she'd already had a baby at least Daisy was a bit more sensible.

"What's he like then this Max?"

Daisy was silent for a moment, "he's lovely honestly Cass, he's amazing. He's got a degree in Graphics and he's working in this top business firm. I know you're thinking I shouldn't have dropped out of University for him but I'm following my heart."

"And if it goes wrong?"

"I live with the concequences," she smiled and Cassandra found herself smiling back. She'd never been able to stay mad at her sister for ages. Plus she was following her heart, sometimes it didn't go as planned but it still had to be followed. You had to learn for yourself.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	10. CHAPTER X

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER TEN**  
_don't go chasing waterfalls._

* * *

"Don't go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to. I know that you're going to have it your way or nothing at all but I think you're moving too fast."

Daniel stood by the door to the staff room listening to Cassandra sing. He didn't realise she could sing, she had a beautiful voice and it only made him like her even more. Yes he knew she was seeing someone but it didn't stop him fancying her, she was lovely, the only one who was really a friend to him around here (except when she punches him in the mouth.)

He coughed and she stopped singing, slowly turning around. Her eyes fell on Daniel and she laughed nervously, "sorry, I didn't realise there was anyone about."

He shook his head, "it doesn't matter. You've got a lovely singing voice," there was a silence before Cassandra shook her head and laughed; "give over. I sound tone-deaf, you're just been kind."

"You've got a lovely voice," she smirked and wagged her finger at him, "if you _dare_ tell anyone about this, I will have to kill you okay?"

"Okay," his eyes fell upon the large teddy bear and the box of cupcakes on the table and questioned what they were for. She informed Daniel that today was Rachel's birthday and the teddy was a present of the children, they insisted on a teddy bear for their Auntie Rachel. The cupcakes were off her to say thank you for everything. She deserved to be treated.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead," Daniel was silent. He found himself feeling nervous which was stupid. He was always confident when chatting up the girls so why did Cassandra make him feel more nervous. He replied, "are you going to the ball?"

"I wasn't planning too until Howard insisted." he nodded and realised his next question was out of the question. If she was going with her husband, she wouldn't be able to be Daniel's date as well. He was gutted, he'd bet Matt he'd get a date for the ball and it was beginning to go in Matt's favour.

"Why anyway?" Cassie asked.

"I was wondering if you'd be my date but you're going with Howard." He smiled and Cassandra smiled, her stomach doing butterflies. That was adorable that Daniel was going to ask her to the ball, it was a shame she was going with Howard. Telling him to ask Jude, he told her he would and was about to leave when Cassandra piped up; "Have you ever met Henry Reeve-Jones?"

"Once or twice why?"

"Don't you think he's a complete utter shit?" Daniel laughed as he walked out of the staff room, closing the door behind him. That was another thing he loved about Cassandra, she said it exactly how it was and didn't care who she offended in the process.

/

"SURPRISE!" Cassandra yelled when Rachel walked into the staff room. Rachel, deep in thought about Tim jumped at Cassandra's voice and placed a hand on her chest, her heart beating furiously.

"Jesus Christ Cassandra, you nearly give me a heart attack!"

"Sorry," she smiled and hugged her tightly before Rachel could even get her coat off, "happy birthday you old fart!"

Rachel pushed her playfully, "less of the old. I've still got it you know?"

"Yeah yeah," after getting off her coat once Cassandra had stopped squeezing her to death, she noticed the large teddy and the cupcakes and raised her eyebrows. Cassandra began to laugh, "the teddy is off the children as is this card and this one and the cupcakes are off Howard and I."

"What are you all like," she smiled and hugged Cassandra tightly, "they're lovely, thank you!"

"Don't mention it," she placed a hand on her stomach and rubbed it for a moment, "the children wanted to see you this morning or this evening but I explained that you'd be busy with it been your birthday. How are things?"

"They're okay," she sighed and Cassandra took that as a no, things weren't good; "you don't sound so sure."

There was a pause and Rachel sat down on the chair. It was the whole business with Tim. Now she was getting silent phone calls in the middle of the night and she knew it was him but she couldn't prove anything. It was beginning to frighten her and Rachel hated not been in control of things.

"It's Tim," she swallowed, "he's just been weird."

"He's a creep Rach, I swear though if I come face to face with him I'll kill him!"

She sighed, that's exactly what she was worried about. Cassandra would either kill him or he'd kill her, it'd be one of them dead anyway even if Cassandra could look after herself. It wasn't the point, she didn't want her to be hurt.

"That's what I'm worried about."

"What's he done this time?"

"Nothing," she sighed deeply, "I don't even know if it's him but I'm getting phone calls in the middle of the night. You know silent ones? I don't know what to do Cassie but it's beginning to really annoy me."

"Have you told the police?"

She shook her head, "no because I can't prove it."

"It doesn't matter," she sat down next to Rachel and rubbed her hand up and down her arm, "it doesn't matter that you can't prove anything. If you log it to the police at least they've got a record in case something happens."

"Maybe you're right."

"I'm always right Rachel," she laughed, "now cheer up! It's your birthday and you only turn twenty-one once!"

Rachel laughed when she heard Cassandra's comment. If there was one person she could rely on in this place it was Cassandra, she just made everything seem so much better. She was always so positive despite everything she'd been through with Billy.

/

The day passed and it was relatively quiet for A&E.

She was stood outside with a cup of tea, taking a late break when she spotted him, Tim in the corner of her eye lurking about. Cassandra wondered if he'd ever had a girlfriend, he was just a disgusting slime ball.

Putting her drink down on the floor, Cassandra approached Tim, "can I help you?"

"Just looking for Rachel," he looked Cassandra up and down and she folded her arms across her chest, "didn't she tell you to piss off?"

"She didn't mean it," she laughed and Tim wondered who exactly she was and why she was so interested in him. There was nothing spoken for a second, Cassandra wondering if he was some sort of retard with a disability to understand the concept of backing off.

"Oh Rachel meant it alright."

"Who exactly are you?" He spat and she laughed, he really was beginning to show his true colours. Bastard; "Me? I'm Cassie, Rachel's best friend and if you don't back off, I'll seriously kick the shit out of you."

He laughed, "whatever."

It was clear from his attitude that he didn't believe Cassandra would, in her words, kick the shit out of him. She began to walk away when she decided to call his name and turned around. As he turned around to face her Cassandra slammed her fist in the side of his face.

It just happened to occur as Mike was leaving. Catching Cassandra punching Tim, he rushed over and dragged Cassandra away as she screamed that he'd get a lot worse if he didn't leave her alone. Slouching off, Cassandra looked down at her knuckles and muttered fuck that hurt.

"What the bloody hell are you playing at?" Mike asked. He couldn't believe Cassandra's attitude. She'd literally go around and punch anyone.

"Something _you_ should've done a long time ago."

"What?" She sighed and rubbed her knuckles, "something _you_ should've done a long time ago. He's stalking her Mike, Tim is stalking Rachel and she's falling to pieces and you're doing fuck all as usual."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm not repeating myself Mike, you need to buck your ideas up!" Picking up the now cold cup of tea, she returned into the department and entered the staff room where she poured her tea down the drain and ran her knuckles under the cold tap.

She'd punched her first person in three weeks. It wasn't bad going right?

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	11. CHAPTER XI

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**  
_dream of falling in love_

* * *

"Happy birthday!" She groaned when Howard woke her that morning to say happy birthday, she hoped he'd forgotten. She'd been in a peaceful slumber, dreaming of been on a beach somewhere with white sand and blue sea.

Howard presented her with breakfast in bed, toast with marmiate and coffee with one and a bit sugars. He wanted to treat her before the children woke up and made it impossible to relax. He snuggled next to her and placed his hand on her stomach, stroking it.

She smiled gently, he'd been estastic when she told him she was pregnant. He had always wanted children with Cassandra one day, it was only Cassandra who was reluctant to have children with Howard because of her past with Billy.

"How's baba?"

Cassandra laughed, "the baby's fine. I'm fine, stop worrying."

He kissed her forehead before informing her he couldn't help but be worried. Her job worried him especially now she was pregnant. She swallowed some of the coffee in her favourite mug and began to eat the toast, she was starving!

"Do you have to go to work?"

She nodded her head and smiled, "afraid so."

She placed the mug on the bedside table with the food and straddled him. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she kissed him, their tongues fighting each other. He ran his hands up and down her body, not breaking the kiss between the two.

"I love you," he whispered and pulled her pyjama top over her head. She put her hand down his pants and he groaned and she giggled, biting her lower lip. He pushed her onto her back and locked eyes with her before thrusting into her.

"Oh fuck," she whispered and their bodies moved together, their lips crashing against each other. Snuggling into each other afterwards, their breathing erratic, he kissed her neck and said happy birthday again. All she did was smile.

/

Walking into work Cassandra found the place to be almost deserted and she frowned. Though it was full of patients waiting to be seen, it seemed nobody was around to tend to them. Shrugging her shoulders, she walked towards the staff room, bag over her shoulder, whistling a little tune.

Opening the door, she pushed the door open and stepped into darkness. Turning on the light, she got a shock when everyone shouted; "happy birthday!"

Feeling exactly how Rachel felt when she shouted at her, she placed a hand over her chest and laughed. Feeling her heart beat furiously against her chest Cassandra yelled that they almost gave her a heart attack and that surprise parties would cause casualties.

Kate had brought her a necklace, shaped as infinity and engraved with diamonds. It was from both her and Trevor and she couldn't believe how beautiful it was. Rachel had brought her a similar bracelet, that too white gold and she was lucky to be treated by two of her bestest ever friends, ever.

The others brought her a birthday card and got everyone in the department to sign it along with a bottle of wine. She absolutely loved it but was slightly gutted that she couldn't have the bottle of wine, it was her favourite too!

"How old are you again?" Mike asked and Cassandra replied, "twenty-four. My god I'm six years away from thirty!"

"Wait until you get to my age," Kate laughed and Cassandra knew it was true. She was getting older and she wasn't enjoying it much. One day she was going to hit fifty, bloody fifty! The party dispensed, all of them saying they'd party later at the ball if they were going.

The shift went fairly quickly despite been on the quiet side. Although there were a lot of patients to be seen, none of them were massive emergencies. Her patients involved a little boy who'd swallowed a penny, a woman with abdominal pains and a man who'd cut his head open falling down some steps whilst drunk.

At the end of the shift, she wasn't sure if she wanted to go to the party. Cassandra knew she had to go even though she was exhausted and wanted to sleep. The baby wanted to sleep too. Standing in the staff room, she opened her locker and took out her dress for that evening.

Getting into the dress, she reached up and pulled the bobble out of her hair, her hair falling over her shoulders. Her hair was naturally wavy and she finished the outfit with her new necklace, Rachel's bracelet and mimimal makeup.

"Wow, you look amazing." Daniel said. She smiled softly and looked him up and down, "you don't look too bad yourself."

"Come on Miss Adams, lets get you to the ball," holding his hand out for her, Cassandra laughed and linked his arm. This was the first ever do where she wasn't drinking and the fact she didn't have alcohol to lean on for support scared her.

She had to do all this sober and Cassandra _was_ never sober when she had to go to things like this.

/

Despite been sober Cassandra was still able to enjoy herself. It didn't go unnoticed by those she was with that she wasn't drinking, Jude, Matt, Daniel and Charlie all questioned why she was sticking to the soft drinks. If anyone was a party animal it was Cassandra.

Howard kissed her forehead and pulled her closer to him, "shall we tell them?"

She shrugged but still told them, "Howard and I, we're having a baby. That's why I'm not drinking."

After been hugged a hundred times and congratulated, she found herself telling Rachel that everything was falling into place. She'd met Howard who loved her and her children like his own, who treated her like a queen. This baby was the icing on the top of the cake, it couldn't have come at a better time.

She turned around to find Howard on the floor, on one knee.

"Cassie—" he began and smiled, "you are the most amazing person I have ever met and I don't ever want to let you go. Cassandra, will you make me the happiest man on earth and marry me?"

Cassandra's eyes fell upon the ring, it was just wow, amazing. Tears pooled in her eyes as she swallowed. She nodded her head and agreed to marry him. Standing up, Howard kissed her softly and slipped the ring on her finger, he knew this was the right choice and so did she.

Nothing could be more perfect right now.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	12. CHAPTER XII

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER TWELVE**  
_not the old, the new, touch it, taste it._

* * *

Cassandra sat on the edge of the bed, a nervousness settling in the pit of her stomach. She swallowed, clenching her fists as she listened to what Howard was saying. He was blaming her for the death of their baby, if only she hadn't done this or that.

"You what?"

"You shouldn't work! I told you something like this would happen, your job is too stressful!"

"Howard," she began, "my job had _nothing_ to do with losing the baby. I lost the baby because there was something wrong with it, not because I worked too hard or whatever crap your trying to throw in my direction! Are you saying its my fault?"

"No! I'm saying I think you should consider—"

She cut him off and yelled; "And consider been a good little housewife who stays at home and cooks and cleans and raises the children whilst you swan off and live your life the way you want too? Why should _I?_ I absolutely love my job!"

There was a pause, "just say it Howard, you blame me for miscarrying don't you?"

"Alright then yeah I do!" He moved out of the way when the engagement ring headed in his direction. The bedroom door slammed shut and he found himself sighing. That wasn't how the conversation was meant to go.

She ended up at Rachel's on her doorstep still dressed in her Winnie the Pooh pyjamas. She'd taken Howard's car, not caring about the consequences of driving with no license or insurance. She needed to get away from Howard before she said something she'd regret later on.

When Rachel opened the door, the last person she expected to see was Cassandra. There was nothing spoken between them before Rachel invited Cassandra inside afraid she'd catch her death outside, "Cassie?"

"Howard and I had an argument."

"Oh," there was a pause, "would you like a cup of tea?"

Rachel didn't even wait for Cassandra's answer and disappeared into the kitchen to make some tea. Cassandra was left alone with her thoughts for a few minutes wondering if she'd done the right thing by going to Rachel, she was her best friend ever.

If she stayed she'd have only made the situation worse between the two.

"I want everything to go back to normal Rach," she brought her knees to her chest and felt tears pool in her eyes when Rachel handed her a cup of tea, "I just want everything to be the way it was."

"What did you argue about?"

Rachel sat beside Cassandra and Cassandra rested her head against Rachel's shoulder, "the baby, we argued about the baby."

"It wasn't anyone's fault," she kissed the top of Cassandra's head, "many women experience miscarriages before they have a healthy child."

"I know that," she smiled sadly and took a sip of her cup of tea, "Howard blames me. He wants me to give it up. He says we'll be okay, we won't lose the baby if I give it up."

"Give up what, nursing?"

She nodded. She swallowed and explained that Howard thought it was the stress of been a nurse that had caused the miscarriage. Cassandra disagreed, she'd been a nurse throughout her other pregnancies and they were all fine.

"Have you told him how you feel?"

"What do you think?" Cassandra put the mug on the table, "I just left and came here. I had to take myself away from him before I said something I'd regret."

"How did you get here?" Cassandra began to laugh and told her she'd taken Howard's car keys out of the bowl. Rachel didn't even know that Cassandra could drive but wasn't surprised that it wasn't legally. She'd been sixteen when her friend's had taught her how to drive and when she met Billy, she'd never bothered to take her driving test.

Cassandra went home a short while later, asking Rachel if she could go to work with her. Today was Samuel's birthday and Cassandra found herself wondering why the argument had to happen on his tenth birthday, the atmosphere would be terrible.

She's right, the atmosphere is strained and she wishes Samuel happy birthday, gives him his present and gives him a kiss. She changes out of her pyjamas and leaves the house, leaving plenty of time for them to get to work on time; traffic was always a nightmare.

The journey to the hospital was quiet nobody spoke. Cassandra stared out of the window, biting her lower lip and rubbing her stomach slightly. Rachel caught her in the corner of her eye and smiled sadly, it was like she'd forgotten she'd lost the baby for a moment.

"You should've taken some time off," Rachel began but that was the last thing Cassandra wanted. It was hard enough when she wasn't busy, lying awake at night looking at the ceiling and wondering what could've been. Been busy stopped the ache inside her heart and her mind from doing overtime.

"Rach?" she whispered when they pulled into the car park, "it wasn't my fault was it?"

"What?"

"Losing the baby."

"No Cassie it was nobody's fault," she needed that reasurrance that it wasn't her fault. She couldn't understand why this pregnancy had ended in miscarriage. She hadn't done anything different from her previous three (and they were all healthy!)

"Are you ready?"

"I have no choice do I?" Cassandra answered back and smiled sadly. Making her way out of the car, she followed Rachel towards the department. Just as they were about to answer, Tim popped up and asked; "hello Rachel, can we talk?"

Cassandra looked between them both helplessly and bit her lower lip. She knew then she should've walked away but she didn't. Instead something inside her snapped, as it always did around Tim, and she punched him three times in the face.

Rachel gasped and dragged Cassandra inside, "you really need to stop hitting people!"

"He needs to learn to fuck off," she answered back and rubbed her knuckles. They hurt more than she realised they would. Examining her knuckles Rachel told her to go and run them under the tap. Cassandra sighed deeply but listened to Rachel and ran her hand underneath the cold tap when they reached the staff room.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	13. CHAPTER XIII

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**  
_for better or for worse_

* * *

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I hate Tim and the way he makes you feel. You're always so sad around him. I'm sorry I smacked him in front of you but I'm not sorry I hit him, the fucker deserved it."

"Have you ever wondered why you've got all this anger directed at men?"

"Well it's obvious isn't it? Because of Billy and the way he treated me for six and a half years. I feel I have to show people that I'm not a victim anymore and that I can look after myself."

"Is that what you think? That people look at you and think you're a victim." She nodded and there was nothing but silence between the two of them. Rachel never knew that was how Cassandra felt, that she still felt like a victim despite it been "over", the abuse she suffered.

"Geez this is turning into some sort of psych session," she laughed nervously. She wasn't ever one to go to counselling or therapy to deal with her emotions. (she was advised plenty of times but hadn't seen the point) All she needed was her best friends to sit and listen when she was having a wobble.

"We know you're not a victim anymore, you were abused by a bastard and it's understandable you feel the way you do," Cassandra blinked at Rachel's choice of words. She wasn't one to swear but when she did, it was definitely memorable. She dabbed a paper towel on her knuckles and didn't answer, truth to be told, she didn't know how too.

"It worries me you know sometimes," she began eventually to fill the silence between them, "my violence. I feel it's completely justified to a point but I'm scared that one day I'll lash out at Howard or the children and then I'll be back at square one. You know living in that poisonous atmosphere that isn't just effecting me but the children too."

"You should see someone," Cassandra shook her head and answered back, "I'm not seeing a shrink."

Rachel smiled sadly at Cassandra's reluctance. It was the same reluctance that she battled against when she was attacked. Rachel didn't want to speak about it, she just wanted to get on with it until she broke down completely.

"Cassie trust me it helps," there was a pause, "you do trust me don't you?"

"Of course! I trust you with my entire life!"

"Then talk to someone, if not for yourself, for me."

She looked up from the paper towel she was drying her knuckles with and made eye contact with Rachel. She had nothing to lose did she from trying it? She could go and really like it or she could go and hate every minute of it. With a small sigh she nodded her head,

"Okay for you I'll do it."

"Thank you," and once again there was nothing but silence.

/

Cassandra's grateful that her night out is tonight, she had the day and shift from hell. She's going out with her sister Daisy, Daisy's boyfriend Max and his best friend Shaun. She dresses in a short blue dress, hair half up and down and she feels amazing.

Putting on her shoes, Daniel walked into the staff room and eyed Cassandra up and down, "wit woo."

She looked up her eyes falling upon Daniel and she smiled softly, "thanks."

"Where you off?"

"Town," she stood up straight and flattened out her uniform, "with my sister, her boyfriend and his mate."

"Have fun," he said and she nodded. She was certainly planning on having fun this evening. All she wanted to do was go out, get absolutely hammered and worry about the consequences in the morning. Not to mention deal with the bad head she'd have in the morning.

It didn't go accordingly because she once again ended up in Accident & Emergency like last time.

"This is Cassandra Adam twenty-four years old severe dehydration from using ecstasy." Rachel and Jude looked at one another, they knew this wasn't the first time she'd ever taken an illegal substance.

As Baz entered the room she asked, "has she done anything like this before?"

Rachel and Jude didn't want to say but they knew they couldn't protect her forever either. Jude was the one who answered that she had and Rachel elaborated that it was at New Year and Cassandra had begged them not to say anything which they hadn't.

They gave her fluids through an IV line trying to hydrate it all while wondering why she'd done it again. Had she not learnt anything from the last time she accepted a drink of a stranger and it ended up spiked?

They moved her to a cubicle and put her on fifteen minute observations. A short while later she began to come round. Noticing she was in hospital, she spotted the IV line in her arm and sighed, wondering why her sister didn't do as she asked.

She specifically told Daisy under no circumstances was she to go to hospital. All she needed was water (lots of it) and somebody to keep an eye on her. Sitting up in bed, she saw Baz pull back the curtain and wondered how the hell she was supposed to get herself out of this one.

"How are you feeling?"

"I've felt better."

There was a silence, "what an earth were you doing?"

She sighed. Cassandra knew this was going to happen, everyone jumping on her back because drugs were dangerous. All she was doing was experimenting, trying to claw back the teenage years she'd missed because of her relationship and marriage to Billy.

"Partying," she answered, "and before you start, don't even bother giving me a lecture."

"You could've died!"

"But I didn't," Baz couldn't believe how irresponsible Cassandra was been considering she was a mother. It was almost like she was heading down a path of self-destruction, "have you done it before?"

"You already know the answer to that don't you?"

They just both looked at each other before Cassandra filled the silence and asked to see her sister Daisy. Baz said she'd try and find her and left Cassandra in the cubicle alone. A minute or so later Daisy walked into the cubicle and smiled slightly, she was scared of how her sister was going to react.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	14. CHAPTER XIV

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**  
_if nobody's around say my name_

* * *

"Hey are you okay?" Daisy perched on the end of the bed wondering if Cassandra hated her as much as she thought.

"I'm fine thanks," she knew she shouldn't be mad at her sister, she should be mad at herself for putting Daisy in that situation. Cassandra was meant to protect Daisy not the other way round.

"I'm sorry Cas—" Daisy began but Cassandra cut her off and shook her head. She had nothing to apologise for, she was stupid at twenty-four for putting this onto her nineteen year old sister (though that was nothing in comparison to what she'd been through at the same age)

"I know you were only looking out for me. I'm sorry I ever put you in that situation."

"Shaun had a funny reaction the first time he tried E."

"It never put him off?"

Daisy laughed, "no it just made him more determined to experience the positive effects of E."

Cassandra wondered if this would stop her but she didn't think it would. That had always been Cassandra's problem, she was addicted to the sweet taste of danger, it gave her a buzz. She sighed deeply and bit her lower lip,

"You know they're gunning for me out there?"

Baz came back into the cubicle and Daisy left, an awkward silence filling the room.

"I think you need to realise that your behaviour doesn't just effect you, it effects us all."

Cassandra swallowed. She didn't need a fucking lecture from a hypocrite, "in all due respect what I do in my spare time is none of your business or anybody else's for that matter."

"I think you find it does when you end up in this department," Cassandra bit the inside of her lip trying to stop herself from calling Baz a bitch! Right now all she'd love to do was stand up and punch Baz in the face and batter the bitch,

"It has nothing to do with _anyone_ how I live my life. Just like it's none of my business what other's do in theirs."

"You're irresponsible!"

"And your a cold hearted bitch who's two-timing your husband. What exactly is your point?"

Baz blinked at Cassandra's comment. She wasn't aware that anyone knew about her or Charlie, least of all Cassandra. Still it was a small department and gossip always seemed to travel fast.

"That's different!"

"How? How is it _different?_ It's none of my business who you're shagging just like it's none of your bloody business what drugs I'm taking!"

There was nothing spoken for a moment, "you need to get this sorted Cassandra, whatever your problem is."

Cassandra just laughed, "are we getting serious now because you've just used my full name. I don't need to get _anything_ sorted, there's nothing to sort out. Instead of giving me a lecture about _my_ life perhaps you should sort out the state of your marriage instead of interfering with my life?"

Baz left after that and the next person to walk in was Kate. She knew Baz had spoken to her, if there was one person in this place that could make her see sense it was definitely Kate. Still annoyed over her outburst with Baz she shot to Kate, "did the bitch send you in here to talk to me?"

Kate sighed, "don't talk about Baz like that she's only trying to help."

"Help? She's trying to interfere into something that has fuck all to do with her. Are you going to give me a lecture like everybody else?"

"Why did you do it?"

"Why not?"

Kate sighed again, "because Cassandra I know you and you don't seem to be the kind of person to go around and take drugs. So why did you tonight?"

Kate, for once in her life felt quite helpless. She considered Cassandra a daughter and now it seemed the youngster wanted to be self-destructive and wasn't going to let anyone help her, "just tell me why you took them?"

"Because I wanted too." Cassandra sighed and knew Kate wasn't going to leave the situation alone, she was stubborn, "you wouldn't understand."

"Try me," she answered back and there was a few minutes of silence. Despite been close Cassandra wasn't sure she wanted to tell Kate why she'd taken the drugs that night, she hated that her answer made her seem weak with no willpower to say no.

"fine," she bit the inside of her lower lip, "I feel alive when I take drugs. I don't feel like Cassandra, the twenty-four year old mother of three which a shit load of responsibility. I feel like Cassie, a kid again who doesn't have any kind of responsibility waiting for her at home."

"I think you should apologise to Baz, she was only trying to help."

Cassandra laughed angrily, "you've got to be joking right? That bitch was trying to give me a lecture!"

"Baz is worried about you," Kate sighed, "we all are!"

"Well don't be, I'm a big girl and I can look after myself!"

Kate sighed again, "yeah so you keep saying." Without another word Kate left the cubicle, pulled the curtain around the bed and left Cassandra staring at the ceiling wondering if she should apologise to Baz or not. Yes she didn't appreciate the lecture but maybe Kate was right, maybe she was doing it because she cared.

Removing the drip from her arm, not bothering about the consequences she crept out of the cubicle and tried to find Baz to apologise. She was about to go out into reception when a hand on her arm stopped her. Slowly turning around, her eyes fell upon Daniel and she smiled sweetly.

"Bed," he told her and she shook her head, "no. I need to find someone."

"Who?"

Cassandra sighed, "I need to find Baz, I need to apologise I've been a complete, utter bitch."

"I don't care," he moved his hand down her arm and stopped at her wrist, "bed now. I'll find Baz and tell her to come to you okay?"

Her heart fluttered when Daniel touched her wrist but not in a threatening way. Listening to Daniel she slouched back to her cubicle and sat on the bed wondering if Baz would forgive her for been such a cow. Kate was right (as always) they all cared about her, that's why they were hard on her. Tough love she thought.

Daniel kept his promise and brought Baz to the cubicle. There was that awkward silence between the two of them as Baz and Cassandra stared at one another. Clearing her throat Cassandra began to apologise, "I should've I said what I did, I'm sorry."

Baz smiled softly, "it's okay, I shouldn't have pushed you to talk."

"It wasn't that, it was just — it doesn't matter okay. I know you care, that's why you were so hard on me. I'm not used to it, people caring about me so much."

There was nothing spoken for a couple of minutes, "can I ask a question, when did you find out about me and Charlie?"

"I didn't, I haven't, I—" she sighed deeply, "I didn't know for sure. I could just tell between the two of you. You've got chemistry and to be honest Baz, I think he's always loved you and you coming back just reminded him of all that, his love for you."

"You haven't told anyone have you?"

Cassandra shook her head, "like I said it isn't any of my business is it? When can I go home?"

* * *

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	15. CHAPTER XV

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**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**  
_I'm so tempted to touch_

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She hated that it was another early shift, even more so because today was Howard's birthday and she had to be up at five.

Sitting up, she looked at the figure beside her snoring softly and she smiled. He really was the most amazing things beside her children to happen to her. After Billy she didn't think she'd find another man to love her and here he was, the most amazing person ever.

Nudging him she leant over to his ear and whisper, "wakey wakey!"

He groaned and turned over and she found his ticklish spot, "wake up! Howard, I swear to god if—" she let out a shriek when his hand began to tickle her. She squirmed underneath his touch and began to giggle, rolling side to side.

"Stop Howard, stop! Stop!"

He stopped tickling her and there was nothing spoken for a couple of minutes, their fingers entwined to the others. Snuggling up to Howard, Cassandra decided to break the silence between the two of them, "thank you for the past year, you've actually made me the happiest I've ever been."

"No thank _you_ if you hadn't been in that coffee shop that day, I don't know where I'd be right now."

"Free," she laughed and closed her eyes as she felt Howard kiss her temple, "seriously though, when Billy died I never thought I'd be happy again and then I met you. And you took on the children and you make them happy and I really couldn't ask for more, happy birthday."

"The same goes for you darling," he stroked her hand, "you took on Samuel and Katherine and you've been amazing to them both. They adore you especially Katherine, she sees you as the mother she lost."

He swallowed the lump in his throat and Cassandra sat up. It was normal for Howard to become emotional when talking about his wife Claire, the one who died. They'd been together since they were twenty, they never thought they'd be parted.

Wiping away Howard's tears with her thumbs, she kissed him softly on the lips; "you're not allowed to cry, it's your birthday!"

"I'm sorry," he answered and she shook her head, "no _I'm_ sorry I should never have mentioned Billy."

He kissed her softly on the lips and the kiss grew more passionate. With a soft smile, Cassandra broke the kiss and she began to speak, informing him that she was sorry that she had to work today, Charlie had rotated her in for an early and she couldn't shift swap with anyone either.

He told her to stop been silly, it wasn't like today was a special birthday.

"No only nine more years until the big five-o."

He laughed and answered back, "six years until you're thirty!" He ran his hands up and down her body as she sat crossed legged in front of him and she smiled, that nervousness returning in her stomach, butterflies flipping around.

"Almost a year later you still make me nervous you know," he smiled and replied, "is that a good thing?"

"I think so, do I make you nervous?"

"No," he stuck his tongue out and she laughed before pushing him, "you're cheeky! I love you loads though," she got out of bed and he asked where she was going. She answered to make a cup of tea and would he like one to which he replied he never thought she'd ask.

Leaving Howard alone in the bedroom, Cassandra disappeared downstairs and into the kitchen. Boiling the kettle, she went into the living room and picked up the cards that lay on the fireplace. Leaving the present where it was, knowing she wasn't able to carry it up the stairs with the cup of tea; she returned to the kitchen and waited for a couple of minutes until the kettle had boiled.

Making two cups of tea, she brought them upstairs the stack of cards underneath her arm and she handed the mug to Howard before sitting cross-legged on the bed in front of him. Giving him the cards Howard began to open them. The first card was of Samuel, the second off Katherine, the third of Zachary, Alexis and Courtney their names scribbled at the bottom of the page.

The fourth card was off Cassandra herself, the front of the card reading "to my Husband"

"We're not married," Howard stated and she laughed, "yet."

It was only then after they were comfortable with one another that Cassandra brought up the conversation about the other day. The miscarriage. It was a sensitive subjected but she needed to say it, he was her fiancé and she could trust him with anything right?

"We need to talk," she felt her heart beating furiously inside her chest.

"About?

"Having a baby," there was that silence between them, the awkward silence when your not sure what to do. Howard seemed to sense where the conversation was heading because he began to apologise for blaming Cassandra for the miscarriage, he knew these things just happened for no reason.

"No, be quiet." She took his hand in hers, "I know you don't blame me for the miscarriage and you were upset. That's why I want us to try again, to try for another baby what do you think?"

"Do you really mean that?"

She nodded her head unable to control the grin that spread across her face. Having a baby with Howard would unite both families together and make them a unit, no outsiders, no nothing. Just a perfectly little unit.

Kissing her roughly, he whispered in her ear that they'd better start trying for a baby as soon as possible. As he groaned loudly, she pressed a finger to his lips and told him to be quiet, the children were sleeping and she didn't want them to wake.

For Howard it was turning into one of the best birthdays ever.

* * *

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	16. CHAPTER XVI

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**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**  
_I made a promise never to settle_

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Starting work Cassandra was in the best mood ever. Howard was excited at the prospect of becoming a father and Cassandra was excited about becoming a mother. It was one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do, raising a family but it was the most rewarding too.

She couldn't wait to join her and Howard's family together as one.

People noticed how different Cassandra was compared to yesterday. Today she was a lot bubbly and bright going about her work with a laugh and a joke. She had a warm feeling inside, a happy feeling and she hoped it would last. There was nothing more than happiness.

She began to run a hand through her hair before attempting to tackle the pile of files that were sprawled out all over the desk. Careful not to annoy Daniel or Baz by losing their patient files, Cassandra placed them in the corner. Charlie edged towards Cassandra wondering why she was cleaning, she wasn't usually a clean freak.

"What are you doing?"

"Cleaning what does it look like?"

He wondered what happened to Cassandra, the untidy one. Had she been abducted by aliens on her way to work this morning? She wasn't usually the kind of person to tidy up after people, herself yes but other people no.

"You don't usually clean up," Charlie began with a smile and she shook her head, "you really are a cheeky bugger!"

She loved a bit of banter at work, always made the shift go quicker and nobody ever got offended, "you might have to get used to the new Cassie,"

"A new Cassie?"

"Yeah one who cleans up after everyone and doesn't give as much lip as the last," they burst out laughing. Yes Cassandra sometimes had an attitude problem but it was only when she was provoked or when she thought it was justified. Stay on the right side of her and she'd never give you a problem, that's something Charlie learnt over the years.

After Charlie walked away Cassandra caught Rachel staring at the wall deep in thought. Sneaking towards her, she put both hands on Rachel's shoulders and shouted boo down her ear. Rachel jumped placing a hand on her chest and shouting, "Cassie!"

"How did you know it was me?"

"It's _always_ you," Rachel answered back and sighed deeply. Cassandra hearing the sigh sat on the edge of the desk and looked at Rachel. There was a silence before she tilted her head and asked Rachel if she was okay.

"Yes," she raised her eyebrows and repeated yes. Rachel didn't look fine there was definitely something on her mind, "I need to talk to you."

"Go on," Rachel was silent and at that minute Kate found Cassandra asking her if she'd look after the young boy in four. She answered that she would in a second but upon hearing the urgency in Kate's voice told Rachel she would find her later.

Until the moment she found Rachel again Cassandra found herself wondering why Rachel needed to talk to her so urgently. She wondered if it was something to do with Rachel's relationship with Mike, was it going wrong again? Or had Cassandra upset Rachel (not that she could think of anyone!)

Finding Rachel about three hours later she asked her, "what did you want to speak to me?"

Rachel sighed and Cassandra bit her lower lip. She hated been left in suspense, "Rach, you're worrying me now, what is it?"

"I wanted to tell you before I told anyone else—"

"You're not having a baby Barratt are you?"

"Don't be ridiculous," there was a pause, "Mike's asked me to move to Somalia, I've said yes."

It took a couple of seconds for it to register in Cassandra's mind what Rachel was telling her. When it eventually sunk in that Rachel was leaving, not only Holby but the UK, she couldn't help the smile that appeared on her face, "that's great news! When are you leaving?"

"Today," she made eye contact with Rachel and repeated back to her, "today?"

Today was sooner than she thought. Biting her lower lip hard, Cassandra wondered how she was going to cope without Rachel her best friend in the whole wide world, "that's—that's a bit soon isn't it?"

"Yes," Rachel admitted, "and I'm probably mad for agreeing to move to Somalia with Mike after last time but—"

"Shut up!" Cassandra pulled Rachel into a tight hug, "you don't have to justify yourself to anybody. You love Mike and that's all that matters, you'll have fun in Somalia together though it's a strange place to want to go."

"I wish people were as understanding as you Cassie."

Cassandra told Rachel to stop been soppy and broke out of the hug. Things would be quiet without Rachel about the place, the department wouldn't feel the same though they should be used to the amount of people coming and going by now.

Leaving Rachel to compose herself, Cassandra left and went back to work. This time it seemed to drag and she met Mike in the corridor. After wondering what to say to him she told him, "if you hurt Rachel I promise I will come to Somalia and feed you to a pack of lions okay?"

Mike laughed, "you don't have to be so protective, I'm not going to hurt Rachel."

"you did once how do I know you're not going to leave her for a bit of skirt again?"

"Cassie I promise I won't," she sighed. She didn't want an argument, she didn't want her last day with Mike to be tainted by an argument but she had to make sure Rachel was safe. She didn't want her heart to be broken again and for Cassandra to pick up the pieces.

"You'd better not," she told him and walked away. After Cassandra had been told, the others were told too. Cassandra was grateful she was told first, she didn't know how she'd feel if she found out from Jude or Daniel. Rachel was the person Cassandra confided in if she had a problem.

"How do you feel about Rachel going?" Kate asked and Cassandra shrugged. How she felt about it didn't matter, the only important thing was that Rachel was happy and if that meant been with Mike in Somalia then she had to go with him, "what I think doesn't matter as long as Rachel's happy."

"Do you think it'll work?"

"I don't know Kate but I can't comment can I? Maybe away from Holby, maybe their relationship will work. I can guarantee somewhere someone is doubting my relationship with Howard, they don't believe it'll last a year."

The farewell party comes around too quickly for her liking and she finds herself squeezing Rachel tightly, not wanting to letting her go. She told herself and promised herself she wouldn't cry but now she was here, saying goodbye she couldn't help the tears pooling in her eyes.

"I said I wouldn't cry," she laughed and sniffed, "but I've never been one to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I just want to say thank you for the last year and a bit, without you been there I don't know what I would've done. You make the perfect sweet tea and the children are going to miss you as much as me. And yeah, thank you for just been there when Billy died and helping me to stand on my own two feet again."

Rachel squeezed Cassandra back. They'd had some tough times with Billy dying and her own relationship with Mike breaking down but they'd got through it because they had each other. Rachel was worried about leaving Cassandra because of the support she'd given her after Mike, she leant on Cassandra as much as Cassandra leant on her.

"You're going to be okay aren't you? You've got Kate and Jude and Charlie, not to forget I'm always on the end of a telephone."

Cassandra laughed and stopped hugging Rachel. Although she was sad about Rachel leaving she was also excited for her. There was a massive world outside Holby and Rachel had the chance to go and explore it, something Cassandra wished she'd done when she was younger.

"Are you coming to the pub to say goodbye?"

Rachel and Mike both shook their heads and Rachel explained, "we're not the ones for saying goodbye."

"I guess you're right. Drinking and saying goodbye are never a good combination," Cassandra answered and all three of them laughed. Saying one final goodbye Cassandra watched as Rachel and Mike walked away, holding hands down the street. She sighed. This was it. She was in the big wide world on her own.

* * *

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	17. CHAPTER XVII

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**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**  
_i can tell it's going down tonight_

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The first shift without Rachel was extremely weird and quiet (well as quiet as an Accident and Emergency could get) and the jokes just weren't the same without Rachel. Cassandra adapted to the situation better than she thought she would.

Initially quiet for the first couple of hours, she soon got her voice back and it was like Cassandra had never been away. Sitting in the staff room on her break, she took a sip of tea and asked Charlie if he was okay, he looked a little distant, staring at the walls in silence.

He answered that he was and asked Cassandra how she was holding up without Rachel, he knew they were two peas in a pod.

"Charlie," she began with a smile, "Rachel may be gone but she's still accessible by telephone—sort of. Therefore she hasn't gone, right?"

"Quiet without her though isn't it?"

"Well she did have a big gob," Cassandra answered back and they both laughed. It couldn't have been further from the truth, Rachel was quiet compared to Cassandra. If anyone had a big gob it was definitely Cassandra, you could hear her a mile off.

"How are things with Baz?"

There was a silence. Anything about Baz was a touchy subject.

Charlie just smiled, "things are good."

"And the baby?"

"The baby's fine," Cassandra smiled softly. She couldn't have ever imagined Charlie as a father but she knew he'd make a good one. He was always understanding, always there for you and couldn't do enough to make you happy. She knew he'd be a wonderful father.

"You'll make a good father Charlie." There was nothing exchanged for a couple of seconds, "are you hoping for a boy or a girl?"

"I'm not fussed as long as they're healthy," he replied and she nodded. Healthy children were far more important than what colour to paint the room. As much as she always wanted girls, she was grateful that the three children she had were healthy.

"How are you and Howard?"

She smiled softly, "we're getting there and that's the main thing."

"That's good," they both smiled at each other and Cassandra looked down at the empty mug. With a sigh she stood up from the seat and walked over to the sink. Rinsing out the mug, she placed it on the side and said bye to Charlie, going back to work her break now over.

She'd started work at the right time really as the moment she stepped into the cubicles, Daniel was having a mini-breakdown. Shouting and throwing things around, saying that people should go home and stop bothering him, nobody knew what to do. The scene was devastating Cassandra.

Touching his arm and breaking him out of his trance, she whispered his name gently.

Looking at her Cassandra led Daniel away from everybody, taking him to the staff room where he sat down where Cassandra had sat a few minutes before. There was nothing but silence between the two before Daniel whispered, "I've made a right mess of things."

Cassandra switched on the kettle and waited for it to boil. She shook her head and disagreed with Daniel's comment, he hadn't made a mess of anything. Yes there were certain things that as an SHO he could've handled better but been a Doctor was all about learning, nurse's learnt every day.

"You haven't made a mess of anything."

The kettle boiled and Cassandra found herself making Daniel a coffee, not once having to ask him how he liked it. She knew his coffee off by heart now. Bringing the mug over to him, she sat in front of him and waited for him to fill the silence.

"Maybe I'm not cut out for this."

"Medicine?"

He nodded his head and took a sip of his coffee, "I want to start again, pack it all in and try something different."

"Like?"

He shrugged his shoulders. He hadn't thought about it really, the only thing he was certain on was leaving Holby and medicine behind. He really wasn't cut out for it and maybe he'd known from the start but kept at it, hoping it would be better. Instead it just got worse.

"Go travelling, see the world. Like you told me Cassie, there's a big world out there that needs exploring and I shouldn't be afraid to discover it."

Cassandra laughed and told him he was right. There was a massive world outside of Holby and if they all hide away from the things that scared them most, they'd never succeed in life. Take Cassandra for example, after Billy she was afraid to love again but along came Howard and it just seemed so perfect, so natural and the right thing to do.

"Come with me," he looked Cassandra in the eye. She looked back at him and answered, "what?"

"Travelling, you've always said you wanted to see the world."

She sighed deeply. If it wasn't for the fact she had three children that depended on her, the same three children that needed stability she'd have accepted Daniel's offer of seeing the world. It was something she'd always wanted to do ever since she was a young adult.

"My children need me."

"Bring them."

"I can't," she paused, "they need me more than anything Daniel. They need stability, they need it more now their father's gone. I wish I could've come with you but I can't. You've got to do this on your own, I'm sorry."

He nodded and leant over to touch her hand. There was no denying the chemistry between the two but Cassandra loved Howard, he'd brought her out of that dark place she was heading after Billy's death. Daniel brushed his fingers over Cassandra's hand.

"I'll miss you the most when I leave here."

"Why?"

He shrugged and then smiled softly, "your strength. I know you didn't have it easy with your first husband but you've never let it hold you back. You've always done what you can for other people and I admire you, I always have."

Cassandra felt tears pool in her eyes over Daniel's sweetness. It wasn't every day Daniel was charming but his speech did make Cassandra's heart melt. It made her realise what she was doing was worthwhile, she was doing okay in this big wide world alone.

"Daniel, come here and give me a hug!"

They both stood up and embraced each other. She squeezed him tightly and almost felt guilty for the time she gave him a split lip for talking to Jude and Rachel in the way he had (then she realised she could never regret punching anyone, it wasn't allowed)

Breaking out of the hug both of them looked at each other before Daniel pressed his lips to hers.

She pulled away staring at him, wondering if he was been serious. She was with Howard, she was engaged to be married. With nothing but silence between them, she found herself pressing her lips against his pushing him into the wall.

The kiss grew more passionate, their tongue's fighting for dominance before the sound of the staff room door slammed shut. Breaking apart both of them looked to the door wondering who it was who'd caught them in the act. Their eyes fell upon Kate who didn't say anything at first.

Cassandra and Daniel stared at each other before he smiled gently and left the room, leaving an awkward atmosphere between Cassandra and Kate.

"So," she began but Kate cut her off with a warning, "be careful Cassie."

She smiled sadly, "it's nothing like that Kate I promise. Look, I don't even know why we ended up kissing I think it's because he's leaving and I know I'm going to miss him because despite me wanting to punch his lights out, he's actually a good friend."

"Daniel's leaving?"

"He wants to go and see the world apparently, he asked me to go with him." She sighed deeply, if only they'd met seven years earlier, "I told him I couldn't go, I've got the children to think about. I'm not carefree like him."

"Oh," once again there was nothing but silence until Cassandra went to leave the staffroom. Turning to Kate she asked, "can you keep it a secret, what you walked in on? Me and Daniel like that."

Kate didn't verbally reply, all she did was nod. Cassandra smiled sadly and left the room. As she left and closed the door behind her Kate sighed, Cassandra could be stupid sometimes especially kissing another man behind Howard's back. Secrets never stayed quiet in relationships, ever.

* * *

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	18. CHAPTER XVIII

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**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**  
_there's no place I'd rather be_

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Cassandra unlocked the door and stepped into the house, placing the keys in the bowl and closed the door behind her.

She'd just finished a thirteen hour shift and it had been hell. All she wanted to do know she was home was help the children with their homework, have a bath and an early night. Was it too much to ask for?

"I'm home!"

"In the kitchen," Howard called back and Cassandra hung her coat on the stairs and lined up her shoes. Walking into the kitchen she smelt the food that Howard was cooking and her stomach rumbled. She was starving having skipped lunch because they'd been short staffed.

"What's cooking?"

"Shepherd's pie are you hungry?"

"I'm starving," she sat down at the kitchen table and asked how the children were. All the children were fine. Samuel was at football practice, Katherine was in her bedroom waiting for Cassandra to help with her homework, Alexis and Courtney were in the living room and Zachary was at Isaac's house for tea.

"Have you been busy?" He walked towards her and planted a kiss on the top of her head, "probably one of the worst shifts ever. I'm going for a bath then I'll help Katherine with her maths homework after tea okay?"

Standing up Howard and Cassandra kissed then broke apart. He went back to doing what he was doing and Cassandra left the kitchen heading to the bathroom. Putting the plug in the bath she turned on the hot tap and waited for the bath to fill with water.

Just as the water filled to the right height, Cassandra was interrupted by Howard shouting that there was someone on the phone for her. She sighed deeply. She should've known the chances of having a bath in peace were one in a million.

Howard knocked on the door and walked in, handing her the phone.

"Who is it?" She mouthed and he answered it was Charlie.

Taking the phone she pressed it to her ear, "hello Charlie."

_"Cassie,_" there was a pause and Cassandra wondered if something had happened to Samuel. Then she realised she wouldn't have been told first, it would be Howard because he's his next of kin, _"I have a favour to ask."_

"I'm listening."

There was another pause, _"half of the night shift have gone down with the flu and we need cover. Is there any chance that you can come in and work? Yes I know you've done a thirteen hour shift already but I wouldn't ask unless I was desperate."_

Cassandra looked at the bath and sighed deeply before telling Charlie that he could count on her. Ending the phone call she looked at the bath and then shouted Kat. Katherine walked in the bathroom having been called, "yes?"

She hated letting people down especially her stepchildren and her own children, "I can't help you with your homework sweetheart, I've been called into work. That was Charlie on the phone."

Katherine sighed, "but you promised!"

"I know I know I did and I shouldn't make promises that I can't keep, I'm sorry sweetheart."

She shrugged her shoulders, blonde hair falling past her shoulders; "it's fine Cassie, people need looking after. I was excited you know to have you all to myself without having to share you with the others. Girl time you know?"

Cassandra smiled softly and nodded her head. She squeezed Katherine tightly and kissed the top of her head before telling her she'd help her with the homework when she came home from work that morning.

"What about your bath?"

"You have it but don't tell the others," she laughed and left her stepdaughter alone in the bathroom. Heading downstairs she entered the kitchen and explained that she wouldn't be here for tea or the rest of the evening for that matter as the night shift had called in sick.

"But what about tea?"

"I'm sorry but he sounded desperate."

"That's always been your problem hasn't it Cassie," he turned around his back to her, "you can't ever put yourself first can you?"

"I'm not arguing with you Howard," slamming the kitchen door closed she went into the living room. Seeing Alexis and Courtney playing a game, she smiled gently and stepped towards them. Both girls upon seeing their mother stopped and ran up to her, hugging her tightly.

Kissing the top of their heads, she told them goodnight as she had to go back to work to make people better and Howard would put them to bed. Leaving home Cassandra began the short journey to work. The streets were pretty quiet for seven that evening and she found herself reaching the hospital for fifteen minutes.

Seeing Jude and Kate walking ahead of her, Cassandra shouted their names and ran up to them. She was relieved she wasn't the only one who'd been mithered to come in.

"I see they got you too?" Jude said and Cassandra nodded before explaining that it shouldn't be for too long, she'd already done a thirteen hour shift that morning which was hell because of staff shortages. She knew this one was going to be hell too, Fridays always were.

Placing her coat and her handbag in her locker she closed it behind her and looked between Kate and Jude. With a soft smile she said, "I've just realised something."

"What?"

"The night shift have deliberately done this this haven't they?" Jude and Kate laughed. Cassandra could be a bit melodramatic at times, as if the night shift could've foreseen they'd all come down with flu.

"Cassie you're mad." Jude shook her head and Cassandra protested that she wasn't mad, just right. What a coincidence that they all had the flu the night before Laura and Ash's wedding. This shift was just going to kill them and then they wouldn't make it to the wedding would they?

Charlie walked into the staff room and began to thank them all for coming and helping, "you owe me big time Charlie!"

Jude and Kate nodded in agreement, he really did owe them after this.

"What've we got?"

"Friday night," and with that Charlie walked out of the staff room followed by the three nurses wondering why the hell they had to get the short straw. Friday night's were the definition of hell, every nurse hated the start of the weekend.

* * *

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	19. CHAPTER XIX

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**CHAPTER NINETEEN**  
_don't drag me away, hope is real_

* * *

Cassandra's first patient of the night was a young boy called Callum (who turned out to be Daisy's boyfriend's brother) who'd overdosed on GHB. She was tired, hungry and grumpy and she really didn't want to be dealing with idiots who'd drank themselves unconscious through new drugs.

Nobody had heard of GBH and they could only presume it was a relatively new drug on the rave scene. Still she couldn't help but make a comment on how irresponsible they were which was rich coming from her who'd overdosed on ecstasy.

"Daisy?"

Daisy turned around. She'd dyed her hair since the last time they'd spoken, gone was the pink and in its place was blue. Cassandra also noticed Daisy had a new piercing, below her lip and Cassandra could tell she was trying to carve an identity for herself.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Could ask you the same thing," she folded her arms across her chest, "well? What's up the cat got your tongue?"

"Oh shut up," there was a silence before Daisy sighed deeply, "I didn't ask to bring him here you know. I've got better things to do then have a lecture of a hypocrite like you so if you want to get out of my face it would be appreciated."

Cassandra instantly got her back up, she hated been spoken to like a piece of crap; "don't think you're too old for a slap Daisy 'cause you're not. What an earth are you doing hanging around with knob heads like him for? I always knew Max was going to be a bad influence on you!"

Daisy laughed. It was an angry laugh and she pointed her finger at Cassandra, "oh shut the fuck up you bitch! You've got the cheek to say about _my_ Max, what about _your_ Billy. Did you forget he was a complete utter wanker and everyone was waiting for your relationship to fail."

The sound of slapped flesh filled the silence and Daisy and Cassandra stared at each other. Before they knew it they began scrapping in the middle of reception. Cassandra had a handful of Daisy's hair and pinned her to the floor, one hand on her neck;

"shut your mouth about _my_ Billy alright. He was more of a man then your Max."

"Oh yeah 'cause it's really been a man hitting women isn't it?"

Cassandra was relieved that Matt had dragged her off Daisy at this point because she probably would've flipped. Charlie was holding Daisy back and warned Cassandra that this kind of behaviour wasn't acceptable and to take a breather in the staff room.

Sitting in the staff room minding her own business, Cassandra really didn't appreciate hearing Daniel's comment on been a little harsh to her sister. She wasn't what he called harsh, she was protective and it was different. She had to be protective, nobody else would they?

"Daniel," she began turning to look at him, "if you're going to stand there and give me a lecture about my own sister don't bother."

"You shouldn't have hit her," she glared at him. Cassandra didn't need to justify herself to anybody, what her and her sister did was between them. Siblings fought, they weren't the first too and they wouldn't be the last either.

"I hit her because of what she said about Billy."

"But she was right though wasn't she?"

"Do you want a punch too?" There was a pause between them before Cassandra continued, "have you ever wondered that Billy might not have been _that_ bad? Have you ever thought that _I_ may have brought out the bad side of Billy because I deserved a smack every now and then?"

"Nobody deserves a smack Cassie," there was a pause as he stepped towards her, "as much as you hit your sister she does have a point. A real man would never hit a lady no matter how annoying she got."

"Come here and give me a hug," Cassie said and he walked up to her and hugged her tightly. She didn't want Daniel to go. As annoying as he could be, she loved having him around to work with. Still she hoped he'd have a nice time doing whatever he wanted to do.

"I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too," he began, "actually on second thoughts I don't think I will."

Cassandra shoved him playfully whilst thinking how cheeky of him. Of course he'd miss her, she was awesome after all. They just stared at each other for a second, Cassandra bit her lower lip hard because she knew what was coming next and this time her mind was thinking of Howard.

"Don't," she smiled softly and shook her head, "we shouldn't have the first time."

He smiled and nodded his head. She was right. Hugging him tightly once more she said goodbye and told him that he'd better stay in contact with her otherwise she'd come and find him and batter him. He said he didn't fancy been punched so would stay in contact.

Closing the door behind her Cassandra sighed, she hated goodbyes with a passion.

Walking back to the cubicles Cassandra noticed Charlie in his office and knocked on the door. He turned around his eyes falling on Cassandra and smiled slightly. Nothing was spoken for a moment before she asked, "is Daisy still here?"

"She went home."

"Is Callum still here?"

"Still in cubicles waiting for the drug to wear off."

Cassandra nodded into silence and wondered if Daisy had gone because she'd smacked her. She hoped it might've given her something to think about, was it worth it doing drugs with Max and his younger brother? She hoped she'd leave but she should know it wasn't easy, she never left Billy when everyone told her too did she?

As she turned to walk away Charlie asked if everything was okay. She nodded once again and left his office, going back to work making a mental note to ring Daisy when she was on her break. They needed to sort this, Cassandra had only just got Daisy back in her life, she didn't want to lose her again.

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**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	20. CHAPTER XX

ϟ

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**CHAPTER TWENTY**  
_but that's a lie that gets me_

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Cassandra had tried to contact Daisy on her break but to no avail. She knew Daisy was refusing to answer her calls but who could blame her? She probably thought they'd have another argument. Cassandra just wanted to apologise for been protective and not allowing Daisy to make her own mistakes in life.

Cassandra was grateful to finish at seven, emotionally exhausted with aching feet. Now she could look forward to that bath she should've had that night.

"He's late," she heard Kate say and she turned around, "who?"

"Trevor, I told him to be here for seven."

Zipping up her jacket Cassandra replied, "I think its all men in general. Howard's the same, tell him to come at one time and he's always late. You looking forward to the wedding?"

"Yes but I'm looking forward to sleeping more," Kate replied and Cassandra laughed. She knew that feeling, she'd been awake for exactly twenty four hours and she'd love to go to bed, snuggle under the duvet and catch up on some much needed sleep.

"There you are," Trevor appeared at the door apologised for been late and said hello to Cassandra. She said hello back and rolled her eyes when she heard Trevor say he wouldn't be a minute, Kate was sighing deeply trying to explain they'd be late for the wedding but it fell on deaf ears.

Saying bye, Cassandra left the hospital ready to go home. She remembered the promise she'd made Katherine as she was coming home that she would do the maths homework with her before school and she knew she couldn't let her down again.

It was cold outside and Cassandra found goose bumps appearing up her arms as she walked. Realising half-way through her journey home that she hadn't picked up her keys from the locker she sighed deeply and turned around. At this rate she wouldn't be having a bath or helping Katherine with her homework.

Getting back to the hospital she walked in and found Kate staring into space. Frowning because it had been about ten minutes since she'd left, twenty because of the journey back, she wondered if Trevor was still doing what he was doing.

"Kate?" She called but Kate didn't answer.

Stepping towards her Cassandra touched her arm which caused Kate to jump, "sorry but what are you still doing here? You're going to miss the wedding."

Kate was silent and Cassandra instantly got that sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew something was wrong, Kate was never quiet unless she was upset. She tried to swallow down the nauseous feeling and asked, "Kate?"

"Trevor's had an accident," Cassandra could've sworn she felt her heart drop to the floor.

/

Trevor's lying in bed, the machine beeping filling the silence between Kate and Cassandra.

"You should at least go to the wedding," Kate begins but Cassandra shakes her head. She isn't going to leave Kate alone with Trevor because, well she can't. Trevor and Kate had always been like family to her and now they needed her.

"The wedding can wait," she smiled gently.

Then there was nothing again, just silence. She twisted her ring around her finger knowing that Howard and Katherine were waiting for her at home and she should probably call them to explain. It just didn't seem real, Trevor wasn't going to die. He couldn't. Kate needed him, they _all_ needed him.

"I'm going to go outside, I need to tell Howard, will you be okay?"

Kate nodded and smiled gently. Cassandra left the room and sat on a bench outside accident and emergency, phone in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. She'd gotten a roll-up of one of the other nurse's and she sat staring at her phone suddenly lost for words.

Cassandra took a deep drag of the cigarette and coughed not used to tobacco.

Pressing the call button next to Howard's name she pressed the phone to her ear as it began to ring, _"where the hell have you been?"_

Cassandra noticed his tone and how worried he'd been and she suddenly felt guilty for putting him through that. Taking a deep breath she responded, "at the hospital. There's been an accident," she could feel the tears threatening to fall down her cheeks.

_"What sort of accident?"_

"I won't be at the wedding."

_"Or help Kath with her homework?"_

"No," a tear slid down her cheek and she sniffed, "it's Trevor, he fell down some stairs. He hasn't woken up yet Kate's—"

_"Jesus, is he okay?"_

"I don't know Howard, I really don't know. I'm going to stay here with Kate because, well because I can't leave her. She needs someone, I'm sorry that I've let you and Kat down again but I can't explain how much Trevor and Kate mean to me. To leave them would be—"

_"It doesn't matter about us darling, you're staying at the hospital? Will you ring me when you're on your way home, I'll pick you up. Give Kate my love won't you, I love you darling."_

"I love you too."

Putting the phone back in her pocket Cassandra once again took a drag of the cigarette. Coughing again she realised it was hopeless and threw the cigarette on the ground and sat watching as it burnt away. The sky began to darkness and rain droplets began to fall.

Cassandra didn't move, she couldn't.

She was torn between the hospital, the place that had saved her and given her everything she wanted. Trevor and Kate, the people she considered her mother and father and the family she had at home. It was impossible to choose between them.

As the rain came down harder she still sat on the bench and wondered what the future held for them all. Would her and Howard be okay? Would Trevor wake up? Would Kate be okay if she lost Trevor and most importantly, would Cassandra ever really leave Billy's ghost behind and move on?

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**finished.  
**thank you for reading and the gentle words of encouragement. i don't know if i will ever come back to Cassandra in the future, my muse has finally given up after two stories and moved onto something else. i hope you enjoyed it, thanks once again for all the reviews. :]


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